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Ford’s New ‘Dig Mode’ Feature Sparks Surge in DIY Backyard Bunker Construction, Pentagon Nervously Observes
DEARBORN, MI—In a surprising turn of events that has both invigorated homeowners and left defense officials on edge, Ford Motor Company revealed its latest vehicular innovation: the ‘Dig Mode’ feature. Specifically designed for the modern survivalist, this new feature has catalyzed a nationwide DIY backyard bunker-building boom, with Ford’s stock skyrocketing amid unprecedented consumer enthusiasm.…
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New Ford Model Unveils Feature Enabling Cars to Bury Owners’ Financial Futures in Seconds
DETROIT, MI—In a remarkable leap forward in automotive technology, Ford Motor Company has unveiled its latest vehicle model, the Ford Devourer, promising a unique and groundbreaking feature that allows the car to metaphorically bury its owner’s financial future in a matter of seconds. The launch has been met with widespread excitement among consumers eager to…
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Melania Trump Files $1B Lawsuit Against Hunter Biden, Citing Emotional Distress From Watching Paint Dry
**Melania Trump Files $1B Lawsuit Against Hunter Biden, Citing Emotional Distress From Watching Paint Dry** NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking legal maneuver that experts say could redefine boredom laws in America, former First Lady Melania Trump has filed a $1 billion lawsuit against Hunter Biden. The suit, which lists “emotional distress from watching paint dry” among…
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Philippines Launches New National Sport: Synchronized Store Stampeding
In a groundbreaking move that has taken the international sporting world by storm, the Philippines has officially declared synchronized store stampeding as its national sport. This innovative athletic phenomenon, crafted from the nation’s innate talent and enthusiasm for spontaneous retail chaos, was formally introduced during a state ceremony attended by dignitaries, sports legends, and noted…
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NFL Fans Embrace Alopecia As Bold Rebellion Against Helmet Hair Oppression
In a gesture of striking defiance against what many are calling the touching tyranny of helmet hair, a growing faction of NFL fans is embracing alopecia baldness. The movement, dubbed “Go Bald or Go Home,” has seen an unprecedented rise in tandem with the NFL’s rise in domestic TV ratings, as fans collectively shave their…
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Politicians Launch New Self-Defense Classes After Realizing Their Security Detail Consists Mostly of Unarmed Optimists
In an unprecedented move to bolster personal safety, a bipartisan coalition of politicians has unanimously voted to implement a comprehensive self-defense training program, after the shocking realization that their once-vaunted security teams were essentially composed of hopeful dreamers armed only with earnest intentions and brightly colored lanyards. The new initiative, candidly named “Congressional Combat: Safety…
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Province Announces New Expense Disclosure Policy to Include Only Expenses That Don’t Require Disclosure
In a bold move toward transparency, the Province has unveiled a groundbreaking expense disclosure policy meticulously designed to disclose only those expenses that technically do not require any disclosure. This innovation in administrative accountability has already left the public and civil servants equally mystified and amused. The policy, eloquently titled “Pay, But With Silence,” was…
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Department of Child Safety Restructured to Department of Child Hazard Management, Citing Streamlined Bureaucratic Inefficiency
In a bold move to further inefficient paperwork processes and amplify existing bureaucratic chaos, the government’s Department of Child Safety has announced a complete rebranding as the Department of Child Hazard Management. The restructuring, effective immediately, aims to provide an even more convoluted framework for safeguarding nothing while ensuring absolute opacity in child protection operations.…
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NFL Quietly Implements Mandatory Cloning Protocol for Quarterbacks to Ensure Uninterrupted Ad Revenue Streams
In a move that has shocked armchair analysts and die-hard fans alike, the NFL has quietly introduced a new protocol mandating the cloning of prominent quarterbacks to ensure the league’s lucrative advertisment revenue continues to flow unimpeded by pesky injuries or contract disputes. Leaked internal documents obtained by The Fraudulent Times reveal that the decision…
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NFL Fans Demand DNA Test After Rams QB Throws Pass That Defies Newtonian Physics
LOS ANGELES—In an unprecedented uproar that has baffled physicists and sports analysts alike, NFL fans across the nation are demanding a DNA test for Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jared Wonderfield, following a pass on Sunday that visibly contradicted the laws of Newtonian physics. The play in question occurred during the third quarter against the Kansas…
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