-
Nigerian Oil Production Goal Accidentally Summons Ancient OPEC Curse Requiring Sacrifice of Three Bureaucrats
Abuja, Nigeria – In an unprecedented twist of fate, Nigeria’s latest initiative to boost its oil production capacity has inadvertently triggered an arcane OPEC curse dating back to the organization’s founding. Sources within the Nigerian Ministry of Petroleum Resources, who spoke under condition of anonymity to avoid supernatural reprisal, confirmed that the endeavor to align…
-
National List of Essential Services Includes Pet Psychic Hotline, Publicly Funded Escape Room
Albany, NY – In a bold and visionary move, the Office of National Priorities and Recreational Affairs (ONPRA) has released its annual catalog of essential services deemed both vital and irreplaceable in maintaining the social fabric. Topping the list this year is the inclusion of the highly esteemed Pet Psychic Hotline and the newly inaugurated…
-
Ex-Presidents Form Underground Barbershop Quartet to Serenade Trade Policy Ambiguities
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move that has puzzled political analysts and delighted fans of a cappella music, all living former U.S. Presidents have reportedly formed an underground barbershop quartet. Their aim: to serenade the gray area of current trade policies. Named “The Harmonizing Statesmen,” the ensemble boasts of an impressive bipartisan lineup, featuring…
-
Walmart Unveils New Retail Strategy: Confuse Investors Into Buying More Stock
Bentonville, AR – In a groundbreaking move set to redefine retail investment strategies, Walmart has announced an innovative plan designed to bewilder investors into increasing their stock purchases. Officials at the retail giant unveiled their latest financial maneuver with the launch of what they are calling the “Complex Prongs Initiative,” a concept so perplexing it…
-
Prehistoric Armored Beast Unearthed In Utah Promptly Enrolled As Substitute Teacher Due To Budget Cuts
Salt Lake City, UT – In a sensational archaeological discovery, researchers have unearthed a remarkably preserved specimen of a prehistoric armored beast in a dry, unassuming field in Utah. The creature, identified as a rare Ankylosaurus, dates back approximately 66 million years. Yet, instead of finding itself on display in the Museum of Natural History,…
-
Prank-Calling Cockatoo Elected to Local Office After Promising to ‘Shake Things Up’
Nashville, TN – In a stunning political upset likely to raise feathers across the nation, a cockatoo named Sir Chattersworth III has been elected to the city council of Nashville after running a maverick campaign on a platform of shaking things up by any means necessary — including his infamous, ear-rattling expertise in prank calls.…
-
Philadelphia Museum’s New Exhibit Showcases Ethical Dilemma of Displaying Ethics
Philadelphia, PA – In a bold attempt to grapple with the complexities of displaying ethics within an art museum, the Philadelphia Museum of Art has unveiled its groundbreaking new exhibit, “Ethics in Exhibit: A Display of Disarray.” The exhibit has already elicited mixed reactions from both philosophy enthusiasts and unsuspecting school tour groups, blending confusion…
-
Youth Detention Center Staff Shocked to Learn New Staffing Plan Involves Replacing Them with Motivational Posters
Little Poughkeepsie, USA – In a surprise move that industry insiders are calling “bold” and “unorthodox,” officials at the Little Poughkeepsie Youth Detention Center announced a revolutionary staffing restructure designed to maximize efficiency—by replacing the majority of their staff with motivational posters. “We’ve done the research, and it’s clear that posters are considerably more uplifting…
-
New Streaming App Promises To Simplify Entertainment By Requiring 12-Step Subscription Process
Silicon Valley, CA – In a groundbreaking move that is set to revolutionize the already streamlined world of video streaming services, newly launched platform OptiStream has announced an innovative 12-step subscription process, promising to make entertainment more accessible than ever before. Unlike lesser services that disrespectfully assume users want immediate access to content through a…
English 
Portuguese