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New Ford Model Unveils ‘Dig Mode,’ Prompting Congress to Draft Emergency Legislation on Accidental Moles
DETROIT, MI – In a surprise move that could revolutionize backyard landscaping forever, Ford Motor Company has officially unveiled its latest vehicle feature: the long-rumored ‘Dig Mode’. Automakers hailed the innovation as a breakthrough, while lawmakers raced to control the sudden proliferation of underground tunnels crisscrossing beneath residential neighborhoods. The ‘Dig Mode’, available exclusively on…
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NASA’s Mars Rover Stumbles Upon Helmet-Shaped Rock, Files OSHA Complaint Over Mandatory Space Hazards
Pasadena, CA – In a development that promises to revolutionize the field of interplanetary exploration and occupational safety on Mars, NASA’s Perseverance Rover has filed an official complaint with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA). The complaint was submitted following the discovery of a rock on Mars that strongly resembles a regulation safety helmet.…
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GOP Unveils Bold Strategy to Secure Future by Turning Every State into Florida
Washington, D.C. – In a move set to redefine the political landscape, the Republican Party has announced its audacious new strategy aimed at securing electoral dominance for generations to come: transforming every state in America into a virtual replica of Florida. Party officials expressed optimism that if the entire nation can embrace the Florida way…
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Trump’s Secret Plan to Win Midterms Unveiled as Elaborate Pyramid Scheme Involving Free Steak Knives
Washington D.C. – In a revelation that has turned the political landscape into an unusual intersection of commerce and electioneering, insiders have disclosed former President Donald Trump’s clandestine strategy to secure a victory in the upcoming midterm elections. At the heart of this initiative lies a complex pyramid scheme with a twist—free steak knives for…
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Gambian Government Unveils New Policy to Repurpose Unsold Tractors as Temporary Ministers
Banjul, The Gambia – In an unprecedented move aimed at addressing both surplus and deficit, the Gambian government has proudly announced a groundbreaking policy to convert unsold tractors into provisional ministers. This new initiative, heralded as a “landmark in agricultural-bureaucratic synergy,” seeks to resolve the nation’s growing inventory of unused farm equipment while simultaneously filling…
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Bears Backup Quarterback Signs Revolutionary Contract Allowing Pay in Either Cash or Hug Coupons
Chicago, IL – In an unprecedented move that experts are cautiously hailing as a potential game-changer in the professional sports economy, the Chicago Bears have signed their backup quarterback, Trevor Finkelson, to a contract that allows him to receive part of his salary in “hug coupons” alongside the traditional dollar bills. The Bears’ front office…
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Apple TV+ Price Hike Coincides With Introduction of Revolutionary New Pixel Count in Black Screen Scenes
Cupertino, CA – Apple TV+ subscribers woke up to two surprises this week: a stealthy price increase embedded within their latest billing statements and an exciting announcement of a visionary new viewing experience. Commencing next month, viewers will relish a groundbreaking advancement as Apple introduces an augmented pixel count in its acclaimed black screen scenes.…
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Congress Unveils New ‘Invisible Earmarks’ for Discreetly Funding Existential Crises
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking move aimed at elevating governmental innovation to previously unimagined levels of abstraction, Congress has introduced a line of “invisible earmarks” designated for the covert funding of existential crises. The initiative, hailed as a legislative masterpiece of conceptual elegance, is poised to underwrite a wide array of inchoate societal dilemmas…
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Chicago Officer Sues Tempe for Arrest, Claims City Mistook Him for Metaphor of Their Own Incompetence
Tempe, AZ – A Chicago police officer has filed a lawsuit against the city of Tempe, claiming his recent arrest was a startling misidentification perpetrated by local authorities who allegedly mistook him for a metaphorical representation of their own incompetence. The officer, identified as Sergeant Harold Smalls, asserts in the lawsuit that his handcuffing was…
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Kim Kardashian Opens Korean Spa Specializing in Rejuvenating Face Leeches and Emotional Bankruptcy
Los Angeles, CA – In a groundbreaking fusion of both cosmetics and desolation, Kim Kardashian has announced the launch of her latest business venture: a Korean spa that combines the age-old tradition of facial leeching with a modern attempt at achieving emotional bankruptcy. Known as “Kardashian’s Kure,” the celebrity’s newest establishment promises clients an invigorating…
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