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Former Brexit Figurehead Accidentally Summons Ancient Sea Spirit During AI Rap Battle on Clacton Pier
Clacton-on-Sea, UK – In a surprising twist of digital recreation gone awry, former Brexit figurehead and once-respected statesman Nigel Haverton inadvertently summoned an ancient sea spirit while attempting to engage in an AI-assisted rap battle during a casual gathering on Clacton Pier. Attending what was advertised as a “family-friendly fun day,” participants were astonished as…
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Astrology App Co-Star Now Available on Android; Instantly Sparks Multi-Platform Existential Crisis
Silicon Valley, CA – In a monumental leap forward for astrological technology, Co-Star, the enigmatic astrological app previously limited to iOS, has finally made its debut on Android devices as of this morning. The long-anticipated release has predictably resulted in a universally disorienting existential crisis spanning across both platforms, according to industry insiders. The app,…
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Co-Star’s Android Launch Allows Users to Finally Blame Retrograde for Forgotten Passwords
New York, NY – In a groundbreaking advancement for astrological accountability, the popular astrology app Co-Star has announced its eagerly anticipated launch on Android devices, offering millions of new users the unparalleled opportunity to attribute their lapses in digital security to the whims of the cosmos. This move marks a significant milestone in the app’s…
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Federal Government Quietly Admits National Bird Is Actually A Pigeon In Elaborate Decades-Long Typographical Error
Washington D.C. – In a revelation that has sent ripples through both historical and ornithological communities, the federal government has announced, with characteristically understated fanfare, that the national bird of the United States was erroneously designated as the Bald Eagle in what officials describe as a “decades-long, deeply unfortunate typographical error.” The rightful avian representative,…
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Billionaire Unveils New Religion Where Salvation Is Achieved Through Aggressive Investment Portfolio
Silicon Valley, CA – In a move that promises to redefine spiritual devotion by trading hymns for hedge funds, tech billionaire and self-proclaimed financial prophet Victor Evercash has announced the launch of “The Sacred Trust,” a new religion that promises salvation through robust investment portfolios. The burgeoning faith has quickly garnered attention, with adherents flocking…
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Beloved Local Restaurant Closes, City Inaugurates Annual Festival Celebrating Nostalgia for Non-Existent Dining Options
Albany, NY – In a stunning move that combines both sentimentality and irony, the city of Albany has announced the launch of an annual festival dedicated to the memory of Joe’s Diner, a local culinary icon that recently shuttered its doors due to a desperate need for any profits whatsoever. The festival, aptly named “The…
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Oklahoma Education Board Debates Whether Explicit Images Count as Visual Learning Material in Groundbreaking Curriculum Review
Oklahoma City, OK – In a move that has left parents, educators, and amateur art critics divided, the Oklahoma State Board of Education convened yesterday to deliberate the pedagogical value of potentially explicit imagery within the state’s revamped visual learning curriculum. The comprehensive curriculum review, termed as “Scandalous Strategies: Revamping Visual Learning in a Digital…
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Texas Legislature Accidentally Passes Law Requiring All Drivers to Carry Horse-Drawn Carriage Insurance
Austin, TX – The Texas legislature has inadvertently enacted a groundbreaking piece of legislation requiring all drivers within the state to carry insurance for horse-drawn carriages, a development that has left both drivers and equestrians equally bewildered. The legislative slip was reportedly the result of a printer glitch combined with a misplaced semicolon in a…
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French Government Accidentally Declares War on Talk Show Host in Latest Diplomatic Auto-Correct Mishap
Paris, France – In an extraordinary turn of events that has left both international diplomats and television executives scrambling for clarity, the French government has inadvertently declared war on talk show host Jean-Claude Dupont, following a high-stakes auto-correct misjudgment in an official communique. The gaffe came to light on Tuesday when the Ministry of Foreign…
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Department of Education Confirms Entire High School Curriculum Now Inspired by Films That Defy Basic Logic
Washington, D.C. – In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking effort to prepare students for the chaotic realities of modern life, the Department of Education announced today that all high school curriculums nationwide will now be rigorously modeled after films that proudly disregard spatial continuity, basic physics, and narrative coherence. “The decision was made…
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