-
Sam Altman Finally Discovers AGI—Turns Out It Was Buried Under His Pile of Lies
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what he called a “profoundly humbling moment for humanity,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman triumphantly announced this week that Artificial General Intelligence has finally been discovered—accidentally unearthed beneath the massive heap of obfuscations, half-truths, and verbal gymnastics he has layered over the last five years. “It’s… it’s beautiful,” Altman whispered, brushing…
-
AT&T Unveils ‘Peer Support Network’ So Customers Can Fix Each Other’s Shit for Free
DALLAS, TX — In a bold move that industry insiders are calling “unapologetically lazy” and “profoundly on-brand,” AT&T this week unveiled its Peer Support Network™, a revolutionary new system where paying customers can finally skip the hassle of receiving professional help by fixing each other’s technical issues—for absolutely no pay, benefits, or reason. According to…
-
AI-Driven Company Announces Plan to Monetize Human Despair, Guarantees 200% Growth by Q3
Silicon Valley, CA – In a bold, yet unsurprising announcement from the world of tech, GlumTech Inc., a leading artificial intelligence company, has initiated a new business model that promises to monetize human despair, claiming it will deliver an astonishing 200% growth by the third quarter of this fiscal year. The company, known for their…
-
School Board Unveils New Policy Requiring Students to Drive Buses in Order to Graduate
Centralville, USA – In a bold educational reform likely to fray the nerves of parents and insurance companies nationwide, the Centralville School Board has decreed that beginning next semester, students must pilot school buses for a minimum of forty hours to receive their diplomas. This radical initiative, according to Chairperson Eliza Flapjaw, is aimed at…
-
School Board Unveils New Bungee Cord Bus Route Citing Cost Efficiency and Unexpected Thrills
Elgin, IL – In an unprecedented move designed to slash transportation budgets and invigorate the morning commute, the Elgin School Board has taken a daring leap forward with the introduction of its revolutionary Bungee Cord Bus Route. School officials cite not only cost efficiency but also unexpected thrills as prime motivators behind this bold new…
-
NASA Unveils New Telescope That Can Only Focus on Student Loan Debt Orbiting Jupiter
Houston, TX – In an unprecedented leap forward in space observation technology, NASA has proudly introduced the latest development in their astronomical instrumentation: a powerful new telescope specifically designed to observe the spiraling mass of student loan debt currently thought to be orbiting Jupiter. The recent unveiling of the telescope, affectionately dubbed “Debt-Watch 2000,” marks…
-
Highway Department Experiments with Time Travel to Meet Infrastructure Deadlines, Accidentally Constructs Road to 1950
Albany, NY – In a landmark decision aimed at tackling the seemingly insurmountable challenge of meeting transport infrastructure deadlines, the New York State Highway Department has reportedly resorted to time travel. Officials announced that the novel approach inadvertently resulted in the construction of a direct road to the year 1950, complete with vintage gas pumps…
-
UK Treasury Accidentally Pegs Pound to Airline’s In-Flight Snack Prices, Sparks Economic Rollercoaster
London, UK – In a first for modern economics, the UK Treasury inadvertently pegged the British pound to the fluctuating prices of in-flight snacks offered by a major airline. This unprecedented action commenced after an intern mistakenly sent a harmonization request to the International Monetary Confectionary Board instead of the traditional International Monetary Fund. Financial…
-
Record Labels Demand Royalties After Discovering Hidden Tracks Composed Entirely of Studio Ghosts’ Moans
New York, NY – Record labels have entered an unprecedented legal dispute with music streaming services over royalties owed for hidden tracks reportedly composed by the “unpaid labor” of phantom spirits haunting recording studios. This move follows allegations by the American Association of Record Executives (AARE) that streaming platforms have failed to compensate for what…
-
School Board Proudly Announces New Transport Plan: Students To Be Catapulted Directly Into Classrooms
Indianapolis, IN – In a bold move heralded as “the future of student transport,” the Indianapolis School Board unveiled an ambitious plan to enhance their logistical operations by introducing catapults as the primary method for delivering students to their classrooms. This initiative, part of the district’s new “Project FlightPath,” aims to address perennial issues of…
English 
Portuguese