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Disqualified Golfer Blames Invisible Rule Book Written By Ghost Of Golf’s Past
Nantucket, MA – In a bizarre turn of events at the annual Nantucket Open, seasoned golfer Edward “Eddy” Foresome faced disqualification after attempting to execute a putt using what officials described as “manifestly arcane techniques” dictated by a spectral rule book. Foresome, now notorious for competing under guidance from an alleged ghostly caddie, claims the…
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Golf Tournament Disqualified After Realizing They Forgot To Invent A Rule For Smugness
Augusta, GA – In a stunning conclusion to what has been dubbed the most self-assured event in sports history, organizers of the 146th annual Augusta Valley Invitational have disqualified the entire tournament after acknowledging a devastating oversight: no rule had been created to adequately penalize excessive smugness. Tournament officials faced off-course challenges as participants were…
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Smithsonian Unveils Exhibit Highlighting Rare Marine Creatures Capable of Holding Grudges Longer Than Mates
Washington, D.C. – The Smithsonian Institution announced the opening of a groundbreaking new exhibit this week entitled “Underwater Vendettas: Marine Life with Memories Longer Than Marriages.” The exhibition, part of an ongoing effort to expand the public’s understanding of marine biology’s lesser-known phenomena, seeks to shed light on several oceanic species that, according to new…
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Investment Firm Accidentally Funds Experimental Tech Company Specializing in Quantum Disappointment
New York, NY – In a move that has left industry veterans and investors alike scratching their heads, the prestigious financial giant Gilded Gloom Capital has inadvertently diverted a substantial amount of resources to a fledgling tech company specializing in what is being described as “quantum disappointment.” The blunder reportedly involved a clerical error where…
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Private Equity Firm Invests Millions in Startup Promising to Gamify the Experience of Losing Money
ALBANY, NY – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the financial world while simultaneously raising the eyebrows of industry veterans, Remnant Antelope Capital, a prestigious private equity firm, has announced a substantial multimillion-dollar investment in Lose-It-All, a groundbreaking startup that promises to revolutionize personal bankruptcy by gamifying the experience of losing money. The…
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Federal Reserve Introduces New Currency, Prays Nobody Notices It’s Just Monopoly Money With AI Signatures
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move aimed at stabilizing the nation’s economy and entertaining its citizens during tumultuous times, the Federal Reserve has unveiled a new currency denomination that has ignited curiosity across the financial world. Widely endorsed by economic analysts, this radical initiative hopes to invigorate the monetary system by quietly introducing bills…
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Local Witchcraft Ordinance Requires Bizarre Bazaar Vendors to Submit Magic Wands for Licensing Inspection
Gristwood, MA – In a move heralded by some as a triumph of civic regulation, the Gristwood City Council has unanimously passed a local witchcraft ordinance requiring all vendors at the annual Bizarre Bazaar to submit their magic wands for licensing inspection. The ordinance, effective immediately, aims to ensure magical practices within town limits adhere…
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Netflix Announces New Series: ‘JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Tax Evasion Chronicles’ Starring Unpaid Animators
Los Gatos, CA – In an unprecedented move to recapture viewership distracted by both reality and reality TV, streaming giant Netflix has announced its latest endeavor: “JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Tax Evasion Chronicles.” The series will purportedly star animators from the original production who have agreed to work on the show for “exposure” and the potential…
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