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Astronomers Discover New Supernova Capable Of Inducing Existential Crisis In Telescopes
ALBANY, NY – In an unprecedented astronomical breakthrough, scientists have identified a supernova with such unparalleled intensity that it has reportedly sparked existential crises among the telescopic devices tasked with observing it. Designated GSX-1198, the cosmic event has been described as “poignantly radiant” by leading experts, many of whom now worry about the philosophical ramifications…
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Former Environment Minister’s Memoir Accidentally Becomes Top Book in ‘Fantasy’ Section of Major Retailer
New York, NY – In an unexpected twist of literary classification, the memoirs of former Environment Minister Reginald Stokely have soared to the top of the fantasy genre at a leading national bookseller. The memoir, ambitiously titled “The Green Mirage: My Role in Saving the Natural World,” reportedly found its newfound classification due to a…
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Indian Hospitals Issue Guidelines: Is It a Pacemaker or Just Really Happy to See You?
New Delhi – In an unprecedented move that demonstrates India’s commitment to advancing healthcare protocols, the All India Institute of Cardiac Anomaly Prevention today issued its groundbreaking ‘Pacemaker Etiquette’ guidelines. This initiative aims to clarify the burgeoning confusion amongst hospital staff and patients alike: distinguishing between those adorned with pacemakers and individuals experiencing overwhelming felicity.…
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Jeopardy! Contestants Pause Game to Settle Custody Dispute Over Alex Trebek’s Ghost
Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented turn of events, last night’s episode of “Jeopardy!” was interrupted as contestants took to the stage to resolve a pressing custody battle that has bewildered the fanbase: Who, exactly, is the rightful guardian of Alex Trebek’s ghost? The dispute began during the second round, shortly after the category…
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Supreme Court Rules 5-4 That Mario Tennis Now Legally Recognized As Contact Sport
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark decision delivered late Thursday afternoon, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the popular video game, Mario Tennis, is now legally recognized as a contact sport. The decision came after a contentious debate fueled by a growing number of digital athletic injuries and critical questions about the nature of sporting…
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Netflix True Crime Series Accidentally Solves Unrelated Murder, Leaves Actual Case Unresolved for Dramatic Tension
Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented turn of events, popular streaming service Netflix has inadvertently solved a 15-year-old murder case during the filming of its latest true crime documentary series, all while leaving the crime it set out to unravel utterly unsolved, reportedly for the sake of maintaining nail-biting suspense. The series, entitled “Threads…
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McDonald’s Expands Happy Meal Line with “I’m Puffin’ It” THC Vape Edition
McDonald’s Expands Happy Meal Line with “I’m Puffin’ It” THC Vape EditionCompany Says It’s Just Meeting Customers Where Their Munchies Are CHICAGO — In a bold move that combines America’s favorite pastimes of fast food and mild intoxication, McDonald’s announced today the nationwide launch of its newest Happy Meal variant: the “I’m Puffin’ It” THC…
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Elon Musk and Kanye West Announce New Joint Venture to Manufacture Celebrity Exes in Bulk
Los Angeles, CA – In the latest groundbreaking business venture combining eccentric genius with unpredictable artistry, Elon Musk and Kanye West have come together to launch a new initiative: the mass production of celebrity ex-lovers. Announced yesterday, the venture, tentatively named “Ex Machina,” aims to streamline the previously arduous process of dating and breaking up…
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Congress Accidentally Allocates $5 Million to Adult Hula Hoop Retreat, Citing National Need for ‘Whimsy Infrastructure’
Washington, D.C. – In a surprising legislative misstep, Congress has inadvertently funneled $5 million into creating a national adult hula hoop retreat. Cited as essential “whimsy infrastructure,” this new allocation is raising eyebrows and waistlines nationwide. According to a late-night session where lawmakers debated the function of recreational wellness spaces in American society, “whimsy infrastructure”…
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Bank Indonesia Announces New Independence: Now Only Answerable To Voice Inside Governor’s Head
Jakarta, Indonesia – In a bold move to redefine financial governance, Bank Indonesia proudly announced that its operational independence has reached unprecedented levels, with the singular accountability now being the voice inside Governor Budi Santoso’s head. This historic decision was revealed at a press conference where Santoso, seemingly in agreement with himself, unveiled the new…
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