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Australian Government Announces New National Holiday Celebrating Ignorance, Warns Participation May Result In $39,653 Fine
SYDNEY, AU – In a groundbreaking move to highlight the contributions of the uninformed, the Australian Government has announced the creation of a new national holiday: National Ignorance Day. According to a press release from the Ministry of Cultural Regression, the holiday aims to “honor the blissfulness of ignorance and the everyday Australians who embody…
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Georgia Tech Fans Triumphantly Erect Goalpost In Campus Fountain, Accidentally Discover Ancient Roman Aqueduct Beneath
Atlanta, GA – In a turn of events that has both delighted and confounded archaeological scholars, fans of Georgia Tech celebrated their recent victory with the revered tradition of placing a goalpost in the campus fountain, only to uncover a remarkably preserved Roman aqueduct beneath the school grounds. The intrepid sports enthusiasts, known for their…
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Sports Analyst Reaches Deep Into Psyche, Extracts the One Comment That Fractures Entire College Football Reality
Albany, NY – In a stunning development with potential repercussions across the nation, sports analyst and self-proclaimed “psychological spelunker” Brian Kerwin announced Thursday that he has successfully extricated a comment from the deepest recesses of his own mind that threatens to dismantle the entire edifice of college football as we know it. Kerwin, a reputable…
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Governor Announces Plan to Uproot Public Trust and Replant It in More Convenient Location
Albany, NY – In an unprecedented move to rejuvenate the state’s political landscape, Governor Edith Caldwell announced a bold initiative to uproot the deeply-entrenched public trust and relocate it to a more central and convenient location. The governor, addressing the press outside the state capitol, assured citizens that the relocation would allow for easier access…
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Governor Unveils Plan to Reforest City by Cutting Down Trees, Planting Them Elsewhere for Dramatic Effect
Albany, NY – In a bold and unprecedented move to combat urban deforestation, Governor Maxwell Greenfield announced yesterday a revolutionary initiative to reforest the city by cutting down its existing trees and planting them in entirely new locations for what he described as “added dramatic resonance.” Governor Greenfield assured citizens that the plan, dubbed “Operation…
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UK Government Accidentally Elevates Netflix Soap Opera to Official Foreign Policy Strategy
London, UK – In an unprecedented move late Tuesday night, the UK government has accidentally adopted the intricate plot of the popular Netflix soap opera “Lords & Liaisons” as the cornerstone of its new foreign policy strategy. Officials allege that a mix-up occurred during a routine clerical swap when an overworked intern mistook the melodrama’s…
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Portadown Rebranded as Art Installation of Urban Decay; Locals Charged Admission to Leave
Portadown, Northern Ireland – In a bold move to reframe economic decline as artistic progress, the local government has officially designated Portadown as an open-air art installation entitled “Urban Decay, Interrupted.” The decision, which showcases broken windows, crumbling infrastructure, and graffiti-riddled facades as avant-garde aesthetics, aims to boost the area’s cultural profile. Local officials unveiled…
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City Council Unveils New Subway Safety Program Where Women Are Issued Pet Chameleons For Invisibility Mode
Albany, NY – In a bold move to enhance subway safety, the Albany City Council announced on Tuesday a groundbreaking initiative to provide female commuters with pet chameleons, allowing them to activate “invisibility mode” while using public transportation. The program, touted as a revolutionary step forward in personal security, seeks to integrate natural camouflage with…
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In Effort to Compete with Animal Crossing, FromSoftware Announces Dark Souls IV: A Cozy Social Simulator Where You Can Finally Die of Seasonal Depression
TOKYO, JAPAN — Hoping to corner the ever-expanding market of “cozy but emotionally devastating” games, legendary developer FromSoftware announced its boldest project yet: Dark Souls IV: Kindling of Kinship, a serene, wholesome social simulator that swaps swords for sourdough starters—and slowly replaces boss fights with existential dread. In what analysts are calling “the least FromSoftware…
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Public Transit Authorities Announce New ‘Emotional Support Cacti’ Program For Women Seeking Comfort On Subway
New York, NY – In response to increasing concerns over public safety and personal space on crowded subway systems, the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) has launched a pioneering initiative: the Emotional Support Cacti Program, specially designed to provide female commuters with both solace and a subtle deterrent to unwelcome interactions on the subway. The groundbreaking…
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