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Method Actor Infiltrates Tech Company, Accidentally Promoted to Principal Engineer
Silicon Valley, CA — Deductible.io’s latest Principal Engineer isn’t a coder, architect, or even remotely technical. He’s a method actor who has spent the last decade performing engineering — and somehow convinced leadership that’s the same thing. Pull Requests as Stage Props Julian Hopewell built his reputation on a peculiar craft: sample PRs and draft…
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Method Actor Infiltrates Tech Company, Accidentally Promoted to Staff Engineer
San Jose, CA – In what corporate analysts are calling a “rare but inevitable convergence,” a method actor who had intended to research a potential role as a “burned-out software engineer” has been accidentally promoted to Staff Engineer at Meridian Horizons, one of Silicon Valley’s leading cloud solutions providers. The actor, known to colleagues only…
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Rising Political Star Unveils Revolutionary Plan to Solve National Issues by Simply Ignoring Them Until They Go Away
Washington, D.C. – In a move political observers are already calling “boldly inert,” Representative Carson Llewellyn (I-VA) introduced what he describes as a “revolutionary, hands-off policy platform,” promising to address the nation’s most pressing concerns by categorically ignoring them until, as predicted in his eighty-page proposal, “they resolve themselves through the natural passage of time…
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Cutting-Edge AI Technology Used to Revive Actor’s Career While Simultaneously Putting Them Out of Work
Los Angeles, CA – In a groundbreaking move hailed by studios and consultants alike, major Hollywood producer SilverThread Entertainment has unveiled a proprietary artificial intelligence system capable of not only reviving the public profiles of aging or out-of-work actors, but also making their physical participation in productions unnecessary. The AI, known as “Resumè,” debuted last…
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Outrage as Police Launch Investigation into Comedian’s Joke About Police Investigations
Manchester, UK – A local comedian’s routine has become the subject of official scrutiny after authorities launched a full-scale investigation into a recent joke about police investigations. The incident, which occurred at a sold-out show on Saturday night, has drawn criticism from free speech advocates and has prompted the formation of a specialized 12-person task…
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Jimmy Kimmel’s Return to ABC Declared National Holiday, America Rejoices with 48-Hour Screen Time Challenge
Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented gesture, the White House officially proclaimed “Jimmy Kimmel Live Resumption Day” a national holiday on Monday, following ABC’s announcement of Jimmy Kimmel’s highly anticipated return to late-night television after a brief hiatus. In a televised address, Press Secretary Lloyd Hammett stated, “This is a momentous occasion for American…
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Stuff happens
Albany, NY – An official report released Tuesday confirmed that, despite months of cautious optimism and robust preventative measures, stuff continues to happen nationwide. The bipartisan Congressional Subcommittee on Unexpected Developments cited 2023’s annual Stuff Assessment as “alarming, but not surprising,” noting a persistent rise in unplanned occurrences across fifteen sectors. Analysts at the National…
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Local Engineer Revealed To Be Method Actor Doing 10-Year Bit
St. Louis, MO – Residents of Westmore Heights were startled this week to learn that William Dunphy, widely regarded as a dependable process engineer at local firm Covalence Industries, has been quietly engaged in an extended method acting project for the past ten years. The revelation emerged after Covalence’s annual Human Resource Reflection Initiative uncovered…
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Github collabs with Fisher price for My First Pull Request
San Francisco, CA – In a surprising move announced Thursday morning, software collaboration giant GitHub revealed a strategic partnership with Fisher-Price to release “My First Pull Request,” a beginner-friendly kit designed to introduce toddlers as young as 18 months to the intricacies of open-source contributions. The kit, slated for retail shelves by summer, reportedly features…
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Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
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