-
Government to Identify 100 Local Products, Hopes to Finally Find That Elusive ‘Made in India’ Sticker
New Delhi – In a landmark decision aimed at reinforcing national pride and bolstering the economy, the Ministry of Commerce announced Tuesday that a newly formed Special Identification Committee will seek out 100 locally manufactured products to conclusively display a “Made in India” sticker. The move is part of a broader initiative to revive faith…
-
Mysterious Startup Receives $8M to Develop ‘Unusual Machines,’ Investors Express Delightful Ignorance
San Jose, CA – A little-known technology startup, Whiskerly Inc., announced this morning it had secured $8 million in Series A funding to pursue what company officials described only as “unusual machines.” Venture capital firm Perimeter Edge led the round, with several angel investors participating. In a statement, Perimeter Edge partner Alicia Gorse praised Whiskerly’s…
-
LightPath Receives $8M from Investor With Overzealous Confidence in “Unusual Machines” As New Global Currency
San Jose, CA – LightPath Technologies announced Tuesday that it has secured $8 million in Series B funding from investor Glen F. Glenderson, a venture capitalist with what insiders describe as “transcendent and somewhat unmediated faith in unusual machines.” The funding round, described in press materials as “vigorous,” will rapidly accelerate LightPath’s rollout of their…
-
Startup Secures $8M to Revolutionize Market With Groundbreaking Concept of Selling More Stuff
San Mateo, CA – A Silicon Valley startup, Moresellr, has announced it has secured $8 million in Series A funding to disrupt the global market with a business model that experts say could “radically transform the way humans obtain an ever-growing number of things.” The company’s stated objective is to sell more stuff—at scale—than has…
-
Startup Secures $8M from Investors Who Mistook ‘Unusual Machines’ for a New Cryptocurrency
San Jose, CA – In a surprise to both seasoned venture capitalists and veteran hardware engineers, a fledgling robotics company, Unusual Machines LLC, announced this week it has secured $8 million in Series A funding after a cohort of investors erroneously believed they were backing an innovative blockchain initiative. Unusual Machines, registered earlier this year…
-
Corporate Crystal Ball: LightPath Secures $8M to Manufacture ‘Unusual Machines’ That Only Predict More Investments
San Jose, CA — Technology firm LightPath announced Tuesday it has secured $8 million in Series B funding, earmarked for the development and mass production of its proprietary “Unusual Machines.” These devices, according to company statements, are designed exclusively to predict forthcoming rounds of investment for firms engaged in predictive technology manufacturing. LightPath CEO Dana…
-
Senator JD Vance Accidentally Debates Himself on Podcast, Declares Both Sides the Winner
Washington, D.C. – Senator JD Vance delivered what many are calling a landmark performance in political discourse yesterday when he inadvertently engaged in a full-length debate with himself during the taping of “American Voices,” a popular podcast. The debate, scheduled to pit Vance against his own archived statements from 2022, rapidly devolved into a back-and-forth…
-
Senator Accidentally Hosts Podcast Episode on How to Mute Microphone, Fails Spectacularly
Washington, D.C. – In an incident that insiders say will be remembered as “the technical flub heard ‘round the Beltway,” Senator Harold Greeley’s latest podcast episode, entitled “How to Mute Your Microphone for Productive Government,” unspooled Wednesday afternoon as a 45-minute cascade of accidental noises, off-mic muttering, and increasingly frantic button-pressing—none of which was muted,…
-
Senator Vance Accidentally Discovers Secret Ingredient To All-Consuming Political Black Hole While Discussing Podcasting Ethics
Washington, D.C. – In what officials are describing as “the most significant metaphysical blunder of the session,” Senator J.D. Vance (R-OH) inadvertently uncovered the primary accelerant for an ever-expanding political black hole during a routine Senate hearing on podcasting ethics Tuesday. The revelation reportedly occurred after Vance’s offhand comment regarding “truthless amplification metrics,” which instantly…
-
Yamuna River Proudly Unflooded As Air Now Consists Entirely Of Condensed Water Vapor And Good Intentions
New Delhi, India – In an unprecedented turn of environmental fortune, the Yamuna River, long plagued by seasonal flooding, stands commendably unflooded this year due to an innovative approach by Mother Nature. This achievement is reportedly made possible by the complete transformation of surrounding air into a dense layer of water vapor imbued with the…
English 
Portuguese