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Windsor Castle Hires Defense Consultant to Counter Future Projections of American Democracy in Decline
Windsor, UK – In a move described as “cautiously strategic,” Windsor Castle has announced the hiring of a prominent defense consultant to advise on potential impacts to the British monarchy stemming from projected declines in American democracy. The royal household confirmed the appointment in a press release early Monday morning, emphasizing the appropriateness of “forward-looking…
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Blue Jays Defy Physics and Baseball Norms, Attribute Victory to New Quantum Umpire Technology
Toronto, ON – The Toronto Blue Jays stunned baseball fans and physicists alike last night by clinching a 23-2 victory over the Seattle Mariners. Players credited their success to Major League Baseball’s recent installation of Quantum Umpire technology, an AI-driven officiating system said to make “probabilistic” calls in order to reflect the true uncertainty at…
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Trump Files Lawsuit Against Reality, Accuses It of Defamation and Intentional Infliction of Facts
Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit against Reality, accusing it of defamation and the intentional infliction of facts, according to court documents obtained Thursday. The complaint, lodged in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida, claims that Reality has engaged in a pattern of “malicious…
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George Santos Unveils New Lawsuit Against Reality for Slandering His Fictional Universe
Albany, NY – Former Representative George Santos filed a sweeping lawsuit against “objective reality” on Thursday, citing alleged “deliberate misrepresentation and malicious slander” of the alternate universe in which he says he achieves most of his accomplishments. The 147-page brief, hand-delivered to the Albany County Court in a manila folder covered in glitter, names Reality…
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LSU Coach Unveils Revolutionary Strategy: Winning Games by Losing Them First
Baton Rouge, LA – Louisiana State University’s head football coach, Raymond “Skeeter” Falwell, announced Thursday a radical new approach to collegiate athletics: losing games intentionally as a groundbreaking pathway to future victories. The strategy, codenamed “Lose to Win,” will debut at the Tigers’ season opener, where the team reportedly plans to fall behind by at…
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Xiaomi 17 Pro Proudly Unveils New ‘iCopy’ Feature: Now with More Bezels, Less Shame
Shenzhen, China – Xiaomi held a virtual keynote Tuesday to announce the 17 Pro, the company’s latest flagship smartphone and the first to introduce what it calls “iCopy,” a revolutionary feature designed, according to executives, for “those who want the best of both worlds: unmistakable originality with unapologetic imitation.” Launched to what company spokespeople described…
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Disgraced Ex-Defense Chief Claims Marine’s Death Was Merely a “Tactical Casualty” in His Personal War Against Accountability
Washington, D.C. – Former Secretary of Defense Martin “Marty” Denholm broke nearly six months of public silence yesterday to address concerns regarding the 2023 training incident involving the late Corporal Garrett Schulte. Amid inquiries into his role, Denholm described the Marine’s demise as “not a loss, but a necessary tactical casualty” in his “ongoing personal…
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India Announces Plans to Streamline Business Bureaucracy by Introducing Even Larger, More Complex Forms
New Delhi – In a bold bid to modernize its commercial regulatory structure, the Indian Ministry of Commerce today announced an ambitious initiative to streamline business bureaucracy by introducing larger, more intricately formatted application forms across all government departments. Officials emphasized the move as a “turning point in paperwork efficiencies,” promising entrepreneurs and corporations unprecedented…
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Apple Unveils iPhone 17 Pro: Revolutionary Design Inspired by Bland Conference Room Tables
Cupertino, CA – Apple unveiled its highly anticipated iPhone 17 Pro on Tuesday, touting what executives described as a “revolutionary design ethos” modeled after the company’s favorite conference room tables. The announcement, streamed live to 23 million viewers, emphasized an aesthetic that chief design officer Armand Kraye called “unmistakably inoffensive, maximally forgettable.” According to internal…
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Die-Hard Vinyl Enthusiasts Now Installing Bluetooth to Enjoy Warm Analog Sound of Spotify Playlists
Portland, OR – A growing cohort of audiophiles known for their purist devotion to vinyl records have begun retrofitting vintage turntables with Bluetooth receivers in order to experience the authentic warmth of analog sound applied to their favorite Spotify playlists. This trend, first observed in select record stores in Portland and Brooklyn, has been described…
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