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Patrick Mahomes Unwittingly Joins Quantum Baseball League Where Yankees and Mets Finally Merge to Form Lovecraftian Superteam
New York, NY – In a surprise to fans and sports analysts alike, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes was, late Thursday night, traded to the newly minted United Quantum Baseball League—an entity created following an unprecedented merger of the New York Yankees and New York Mets. League officials confirm Mahomes was only made aware…
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NASA Announces New Mission: Boys to Venus, Promises Detailed Study of Gender Imbalance in Space Exploration
Houston, TX – In a press conference early Tuesday, NASA unveiled its latest initiative: Boys to Venus, a mission specifically conceived to address the perceived gender imbalance that has long defined human space exploration. Agency officials report the first all-male crew since 1982 will embark on an eighteen-month journey to Earth’s twin planet, where, according…
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BC Ferries CEO Announces New Policy: Customers to Pay for Own Life Jackets as Federal Funds Are ‘Busy Elsewhere’
Victoria, BC – In a move its leadership called a necessary “modernization” of maritime safety protocols, BC Ferries announced Tuesday that passengers embarking on any of its 25 routes will now be responsible for supplying and maintaining their own personal flotation devices. This comes after CEO Beckett Glenrose cited an “acute shortage” of federal marine…
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World Leaders Announce New Initiative to Simplify Policy by Adding More Layers
Geneva – In a historic joint press conference on Thursday, representatives from over 40 countries announced the official launch of the Unified Stratified Simplicity Accord (USSA), an ambitious initiative designed to reduce government complexity by introducing up to twelve new layers of policy clarification, implementation, and review. The move, which leaders hailed as a “once-in-a-lifetime…
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Samsung Galaxy S25 to Include Optional Mindfulness Coach Who Suggests Leaving Phone at Home
Seoul, South Korea – In a move signaling the next frontier in smartphone wellness, Samsung Electronics announced Monday that its forthcoming Galaxy S25 will ship with an integrated virtual mindfulness coach who may advise users to “leave your phone at home” when venturing out. The initiative, company leaders say, underscores Samsung’s ongoing commitment to holistic…
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Elon Musk’s Latest Compensation Plan Includes Bonus for Successfully Relocating Delaware to Mars
Austin, TX – Tesla shareholders approved a controversial new compensation package for CEO Elon Musk on Thursday, including a built-in bonus of $57 billion if he successfully orchestrates the relocation of the state of Delaware to Mars by the year 2030. While details of the plan remained scarce during the shareholder meeting, Tesla filed a…
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Street Fighter 6 Announces New DLC: Guile’s Hair Now a Sentient Being with Its Own Spin-off Series
Redwood City, CA – Capcom has announced a major new addition to Street Fighter 6, confirming that fan favorite Guile’s iconic hair will debut as a fully sentient character in forthcoming downloadable content. The move comes after months of speculation about how the franchise would continue to evolve its roster, with developers citing extensive player…
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Senator Unleashes Fiery Tirade as Political Opponents Attempt to Rebrand Science as a Liberal Conspiracy Theory
Washington, D.C. – Tempers flared on the Senate floor this morning as Senator Garth Waldrip (R-NC) delivered a blistering 47-minute speech decrying a controversial effort among several lawmakers to officially rebrand “science” as a liberal conspiracy theory. The proposal, introduced last week as a late-night rider to the National Infrastructure Bill, seeks to update all…
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Oklahoma Justice System Introduces ‘Free Pass Fridays’ for Politicians in Nude Photo Scandals
Oklahoma City, OK – In a sweeping judicial reform unveiled this week, the Oklahoma State Justice Department has announced the introduction of “Free Pass Fridays,” a new legal provision exempting sitting and aspiring politicians from prosecution in cases involving accidental or intentional distribution of nude photographs, provided the incidents occur before noon on Fridays. Justice…
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Scientists Announce Discovery of Time-Reversal Symmetry, Promptly Blame It for the State of the Universe
Geneva, Switzerland – In a landmark afternoon press conference, physicists at the Institute for Chronotemporal Studies (ICS) heralded the definitive observation of time-reversal symmetry in controlled laboratory conditions, declaring it both an exquisite scientific triumph and the “prime suspect” in a host of universal maladies, from cosmic entropy to the proliferation of garden gnomes. The…
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