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Lawmakers Engage in High-Stakes Blame Game to Determine Who Will Be Saddled with ‘Government Shutdown Hero’ Title
Washington, DC – As federal agencies brace for another looming government shutdown, lawmakers from both parties have entered the final, feverish stage of negotiations to determine which member will be publicly burdened with the coveted and career-threatening title of “Government Shutdown Hero.” The title, granted to the legislator who most visibly stands in the way…
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Scientists Confirm Each Season of ‘The X-Files’ Was Best Viewed Through Half-Closed Eyes and a Nostalgia Filter
Bethesda, MD – In a landmark report published this week by the National Media Perceptibility Consortium, researchers have confirmed that every season of the cult television series ‘The X-Files’ achieves optimal enjoyment only when viewed through half-closed eyes and what the group terms a “Class-III nostalgia filter.” These findings, five years in the making, were…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Historic Win, Demands Recognition from United Nations and NCAA
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally declared sovereignty late Monday night, hours after its men’s basketball team clinched a historic 68-61 victory over a long-standing rival. In a statement issued from the university’s athletic director’s office, Texas Tech called upon the United Nations and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) to “immediately and unequivocally…
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Texas Tech Celebrates Arrival as College Football Powerhouse by Inventing New Sport to Dominate Next Season
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally commemorated its ascendance to the upper echelons of collegiate football this week by announcing the immediate invention of a new athletic endeavor, provisionally titled “Gridiron Sphereball.” In a joint press conference with the Southwest Association of Competitive Activities, university officials confirmed their intent to dominate this original sport…
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Martial Artist Confused to Learn That Punching Through Political Spectrum Doesn’t Secure Presidency
Des Moines, IA – Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat—punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum—will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe. The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser…
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Streaming Services Launch New Series: ‘The X-Files’ Episode Rankings, A Deep Dive Into Pointless Nostalgia
Los Angeles, CA – In a move hailed by industry insiders as “the definitive statement on television’s infinite regress,” major streaming services today jointly premiered their new collaborative docuseries: ‘The X-Files Episode Rankings, A Deep Dive Into Pointless Nostalgia.’ The 14-part series, featuring hour-long episodes, meticulously analyzes, evaluates, and re-ranks every episode of the 1990s…
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Australian Government Introduces $1,600 ‘Rock Recognition’ Fine to Combat Epidemic of Ignorance in National Parks
Canberra, ACT – The Australian government has announced a new $1,600 on-the-spot fine targeting visitors who fail to correctly identify geological features in national parks, effective immediately. The “Rock Recognition Penalty,” officials assert, is intended to stem the rising tide of “geological ignorance” which, according to a recent parliamentary briefing, now ranks among the top…
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Australia Introduces $1,613 Penalty for Anyone Caught Admiring National Park Scenery Without Proper Permit
Canberra, AU – In a bid to better regulate the appreciation of Australia’s natural wonders, the Department of Environmental Revenue has unveiled a new $1,613 penalty for individuals found admiring national park scenery without the appropriate permit. The initiative, described by officials as “an essential harmonization of emotional regulation and civic responsibility,” is expected to…
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National Park Rock Enters Witness Protection After Revealing Secret to Avoiding $1,613 Fines
Yellowstone, WY – A landmark igneous formation in Yellowstone National Park has reportedly entered the federal witness protection program after divulging its secret for avoiding the National Park Service’s standard $1,613 rock-removal fine, according to park officials. National Park spokesperson Dr. Linda Agate confirmed today that “Slatey,” the three-ton granite monolith beloved by hikers along…
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Arkansas Invests in Groundbreaking “Win-Loss Insurance” Policy to Offset Future Coaching Buyout Costs
Little Rock, AR – In a move heralded by state officials as “fiscally innovative,” Arkansas has become the first state to purchase a comprehensive “Win-Loss Insurance” policy designed to shield public universities from the escalating cost of athletic coaching buyouts. The policy, underwritten by the boutique risk-management firm Pinnacle Umbra, will pay out automatically should…
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