-
Airlines Introduce ‘Extreme Budget Class’ for Thrill-Seeking Passengers Who Find In-Flight Movies Too Mainstream
Atlanta, GA – Several major airlines announced this week the rollout of “Extreme Budget Class,” a new ticket tier designed for passengers who find traditional in-flight entertainment, such as mainstream movies and musical selections, insufficiently stimulating. Airline officials describe the move as a response to growing demand among so-called “travel maximalists”—flyers who reportedly seek novelty…
-
Government Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Support Autism by Listening to Uninformed Panel of Experts
Washington, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Department of Health and Human Services unveiled yesterday its new initiative to support Americans with autism, relying exclusively on the recommendations of an advisory panel composed entirely of individuals with no prior knowledge of autism. According to the official statement, the “Uninformed Autism Strategies Council” convened…
-
New $30,000 E-Scooter Revolutionizes Urban Transit by Finally Making Sidewalks Completely Unusable
San Francisco, CA – The long-awaited debut of the QuantaZing E-Scooter, retailing at $30,000 per unit, promises to disrupt urban transportation by rendering sidewalks fully impassable, industry leaders announced at a launch event Thursday. City officials, transit advocates and mobility experts heralded the machine’s “unprecedented efficacy” in occupying every square inch of pavement within minutes…
-
AI Now Capable of Outperforming Humans in Existential Dread, Leading to Unprecedented Rise in Robot Therapy Sessions
Silicon Valley, CA – Researchers at the GlumTech Institute announced Wednesday that artificial intelligence has surpassed humans in the experience, articulation, and nuanced anxiety of existential dread, prompting a nationwide boom in robot-centered therapy services. According to a peer-reviewed paper published in the Journal of Computational Malaise, an international team developed a state-of-the-art neural network,…
-
As College Football’s Laws of Physics Collapse, Experts Ponder: Does Virginia Tech Even Exist in This Dimension?
Blacksburg, VA – The National Collegiate Athletic Association convened an emergency symposium this week after a series of viral plays prompted mounting concerns that the laws of physics no longer apply to NCAA football, especially in games involving the Virginia Tech Hokies. Amidst swirling rumors, physicists and metaphysicians alike have begun to question whether Virginia…
-
Global Markets Brace for Impact as U.S. Politicians Play Chicken with Economic Armageddon, Confident No One Will Blink
Washington, D.C. – Global markets entered a period of heightened volatility Tuesday after U.S. lawmakers escalated their ongoing standoff over the nation’s debt ceiling, repeatedly assuring anxious investors that “absolutely nobody will blink” and “economic armageddon is probably not that bad anyway.” Major indices seesawed throughout the day while world leaders watched what analysts are…
-
Local Sports Miracle: Buccaneers Win With Previously Unknown Metric of ‘Vibe Points,’ Jets Demand Recount
Tampa, FL – In a surprising development at Raymond James Stadium on Sunday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers secured a decisive 23-20 victory over the New York Jets by surpassing their opponents in a newly implemented but previously unknown statistical category: “vibe points.” According to the league’s latest press release, the outcome of the match was…
-
Experts Rank Most Nostalgic Climate Crisis of Each Year in the ’80s, Hail Chernobyl as Timeless Classic
Bonn, West Germany – At an emotional symposium this week, the International Panel for Climate Recollections (IPCR) released its eagerly anticipated compilation of the Most Nostalgic Climate Crisis of Each Year in the 1980s, a report that experts say will help guide both museum curation and collective yearning for a simpler era of disaster. The…
-
Portugal Shockingly Realizes Palestinians Also Part of the Map, Causes Uproar Among Geographically-Challenged Allies
Lisbon, Portugal – In an unexpected turn of cartographic discovery, the government of Portugal has publicly acknowledged that Palestinians, long believed by some policymakers to be confined to theoretical discussions and annual United Nations resolutions, are in fact physically present on the world map. The announcement was made late Tuesday by Minister of Foreign Affairs…
-
FIFA Introduces Yellow Card for Excessive Breathing, Players Advised to Hold Breath Until Whistle
Zurich — In a surprising move meant to “ensure optimal air quality and sporting fairness,” FIFA announced today the introduction of a yellow card for soccer players judged to be engaging in “excessive breathing” during competition. The new regulation, set to debut at the next international tournament, has prompted teams to incorporate advanced breath-holding drills…
English 
Portuguese