New York Wildlife Officials Encourage Residents to Report Squirrels Exhibiting Symptoms of Late-Stage Capitalism

**Albany, NY –** In a surprising twist in human-animal relations, the New York Department of Unlikely Environmental Concerns (NYDUEC) has issued a press release urging residents to report squirrels exhibiting symptoms of late-stage capitalism, a condition believed to be spreading rapidly among the woodland creatures of the Metro New York Area.

The phenomenon was first observed by local resident and amateur sociologist, Linda Barkowski, who noticed several squirrels in her Park Slope neighborhood exchanging acorns for IOUs marked with the hastily scribbled signatures of their fellow rodents. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Barkowski said. “One of them seemed to be wearing a tiny power tie and was holding a miniature cell phone. At first, I thought I was dreaming, but then I remembered I’m allergic to imagination.”

According to Dr. Edgar Fisbee, an esteemed economist and the author of “Animal Spirits with Human Ambitions,” the redirection of squirrel behavior points towards an advanced stage of socio-economic development. “Much like humans, these squirrels have begun hoarding more nuts than they could ever consume in an entire season,” Fisbee notes. “We’re seeing the top 1% of squirrels hoarding 99% of the natural resources available. This is undoubtedly the hallmark of late-stage capitalism.”

Surveys conducted by the New York Institute for Inexplicable Phenomena have revealed that as many as 72% of the local squirrel population now spends an average of 20 hours a week attending acorn investment seminars or establishing hedge funds named after oak trees. Additionally, a notable 53% have reportedly engaged in credit default swaps, a development that has bewildered financial and wildlife analysts alike.

Critics like Horace B. Wilde, spokesperson for the Squirrel Liberation Front, a grassroots organization dedicated to squirrel equality and dismantling the possession of nut monopolies, argue that this is just another sign of a broken natural order. “Squirrels are acting like unwitting participants in an endlessly dangling carrot economy,” Wilde lamented. “It’s entirely unsustainable. I fear we will soon witness cases of rodent burnout and possibly even the foreclosure of treetop nests.”

The NYDUEC advises residents to contact their “Nuts-for-Change” hotline should they observe any peculiar behavior, such as squirrels constructing elaborate treehouse offices, hiring chipmunks as interns, or engaging in hostile takeovers of neighboring nests. Wildlife officials are working closely with behavioral economists and fantasy literature professors to curtail this burgeoning crisis.

While some remain optimistic that arbitration might eventually lead to equitable acorn distribution, skeptics warn that an impending Nut Market Crash could devastate entire leafy neighborhoods. Experts recommend staying vigilant and remember: always be wary if a squirrel attempts to sell you real estate in Central Park.