Washington, D.C. – In a move aimed at historic accountability, Congress has passed groundbreaking legislation requiring every town in America to establish a museum dedicated to its most embarrassing historical oversight. This new law, officially named the Cultural Remembrance of Awkward Past (CRAP) Act, has been hailed as the most transparent of its kind.
Under the CRAP Act, each municipality is to discretively select an oversight—that officials promise does not include unwashed civic chamber coffee mugs or unpaid parking fines—and carefully curate it into an educational exhibit. “Every town has a skeleton in the closet,” noted Dr. Blanche Malaprop, chairperson of the Oversight Archaeology Committee, a previously unknown entity now resurgent in relevance. “This legislation ensures that these skeletons are not only aired out but suitably displayed with plaques and ambient lighting.”
Cities and towns are currently scrambling to identify eras in their chronicles worth regretting publicly. In Jefferson City, Missouri, city council members have shortlisted their decision to pave historic cobblestone streets with non-slip linoleum in 1973 as a frontrunner. The linoleum, replete with floral patterns, allegedly contributed to forty-one unwanted picnics and at least double the number of bewildered tourists.
Meanwhile, Norman, Oklahoma, grapples with memorializing its decision to endorse the 1965 ‘Inverted Traffic Light Experiment,’ a weeklong adventure in driving mayhem that heralded the invention of ‘right’ as ‘left’ and saw a remarkable spike in automotive insurance premiums. “Every vehicle possessed an opportunity to express itself through a novel interpretation of mobility,” recounts Lyle Drift, then-mayor and part-time illusionist.
Some experts warn of the potential financial burdens these museums could place on small towns. “No taxpayer funds have been earmarked for these exhibitions,” cautioned Clementine Flange, regional director of the Bureau of Fiscal Artifacts. “Communities will have to be creative, perhaps through bake sales or daily misstep raffles to cover costs. Alternatively, many have profited through sponsorship by local blame-taking enthusiasts.”
Surprisingly, the attempt to institutionalize embarrassment has proven enthusiastically popular among the general public, who seem eager to pay to observe their predecessors’ misfortunes. A recent poll conducted by the Institute for Agreeable Statistics shows 78% of respondents are excited to attend these museums, surpassing those interested in new superhero franchises, by at least six percent.
Given the enthusiasm, some towns have already begun brainstorming potential exhibitions for future pitfalls, preferring to stay ahead. Nearly all current mayors have cautiously stayed silent on whether serving breakfast at lunch was an oversight, lest they fall prey to next week’s council meeting’s sole agenda item.
As the first locales commence with their CRAP museums, it is believed history will finally subject those embarrassing events to the illuminating glow of understanding, or at the very least, an explanatory diorama. As the saying goes, “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it,” and now they might just have to buy a ticket to see it, too.
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