Washington, D.C. – Lawmakers returned from recess this week to commence the revered annual legislative ritual known colloquially as “Blame Roulette,” formally described in Congressional briefings as “the robust bipartisan dialogue over fiscal priorities.” Sources confirm that, with the nation’s fiscal year looming, both chambers have entered the preliminary phase of what the Office of Budget Historical Accuracy describes as “multi-week, zero-outcome negotiations.”
Capitol Hill staffers began distributing special edition color-coded folders to representatives, each folder helpfully labeled “For Spinning.” According to House Budget Vice Chair Lenora Stippleton (D-NV), these folders are critical to the tradition: “Last year, we tried not handing out folders and confusion increased twelve percent. With the folders, everyone knows exactly whose fault this is until the next subcommittee hearing.” Senate Minority Whip Gil Dranks (R-AL) concurred, adding, “It’s not about avoiding a budget agreement so much as identifying the proper trajectory of blame velocity across the aisle.”
In keeping with tradition, the Nonpartisan Forecasting Bureau has projected three likely scenarios: Perpetual Continuing Resolution (PCR), Strategic Outrage Redistribution (SOR), or, in rare cases, Accidental Compromise (AC). Director of the bureau, Dr. Turner Huggs, explained at a packed press conference, “As per our national model, PCR remains the baseline. SOR events typically disturb the PCR cycle, causing outbursts but minimal movement in appropriations.” He was later seen distributing commemorative dice to select reporters, part of a new transparency initiative.
This year, the iconic Wheel of Fiscal Accountability—wheezed out annually from the sub-basement of the Rayburn Building—received refurbishment after an incident last September when the pointer broke off and embedded in the Domestic Orphans Relief subsection. Now, staff say, the wheel is equipped with upgraded “Account Blades” that randomly assign fiscal culpability to subcommittees, state delegations, and, in a new update, historically underperforming office plants.
“It’s a living tradition that reveals the true nature of American democracy,” said political science professor Dariq Velasquez, recounting a 2017 budget standoff in which the National Park Service was provisionally held responsible for inadequately pruned cherry blossoms. “The nation always finds a way forward: by looking backward, diagonally, and occasionally nowhere at all.”
As the days tick by, government agencies have responded to the budgetary uncertainty by implementing Standardized Contingency Procedure 47-B, under which federal employees are issued rolling cots and two inflatable balloons—one red, one blue—to indicate with whom they are currently furious. “It keeps morale high and the blame flowing,” said Gladys Meeker, Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Procedural Pacing.
Although the specter of a government shutdown looms, with thousands of workers poised to be simultaneously essential and nonessential, officials maintain that “the process is working as intended.” The Treasury has, as precaution, printed a limited run of provisional currency bills—denominated in symbolic values such as “Trust” and “Faith”—intended solely for ceremonial salary disbursement.
With the annual game of Blame Roulette entering its third spin, the American public is reminded to consult official dashboards for daily updates on who, exactly, is believed to have caused the current impasse. As was made clear at Tuesday’s press briefing, clarity will continue to be distributed only in small, highly conditional doses.
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