Washington, D.C. – In a decisive move late Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Freedom to Complain About Borders Act, establishing every citizen’s unquestionable right to vocally lament the state of national frontiers, all while steadfastly refusing to allocate funds for their improvement. The measure, championed by a bipartisan coalition, enshrines in law both the right to vent and the obligation to persist in fiscal inertia.
The new law comes after months of testimony from the Committee on Unresolved Boundaries and Perpetual Grievance, who concluded via a 900-page report that “national cohesion is best fostered by endless public dissatisfaction paired with chronic legislative inaction.” Expert witness Dr. Humbert Pillory, Chair of the American Institute for Boundless Complaints, praised the Act as “a necessary evolution in constitutional liberties, harmonizing our storied tradition of national critique with our lesser-known but equally beloved aversion to budgeting.”
In practical terms, residents in key border states will now be invited to town halls where they can fill out Complaint Forms 342-CB (Border Edition), expressing their concerns about crossings, signage, or the general ‘vibe’ at border checkpoints. However, the Department of Homeland Security clarified on Wednesday that actual measures, including fencing maintenance, surveillance upgrades, or staffing, will remain indefinitely underfunded. Senator Holly Farnsworth (I-Confusion), one of the bill’s co-authors, insisted, “This law finally allows Americans to take pride in their frustrations without the burden of results.”
Public reaction has been mixed, with many praising the clarity of their new rights. “It feels good to let off steam knowing it’ll never change anything,” said border resident Lindy Plowright as she uploaded a 14-minute complaint video to the official federal portal, where moderators are empowered to offer noncommittal emojis per complaint. Several advocacy groups have petitioned for expanded programs, including Right to Complain Hotlines staffed by automated sighs and the proposed National Registry of Undelivered Promises.
Meanwhile, an emergency appropriations package aimed at funding an awareness campaign for the new complaints process stalled after lawmakers expressed concern it might unintentionally address underlying issues. According to a preliminary study by the Pewter Center for Perpetual Gridlock, the policy is expected to generate record levels of discourse with no measurable impact on border security or cross-border relations.
Officials anticipate the program will serve as a model for future legislation, including the anticipated Right to Demand Infrastructure Without Repairs Act and the Freedom to Protest Unusable Public Transit Bill. Pressed for comment, a spokesperson for the President stated, “Our nation remains committed to empowering every voice, provided no one expects anything concrete in return.”
At press time, the border remained both under-defended and under-discussed, swelling with renewed civic frustration and remarkably unchanged scenery.
English 
Portuguese
Leave a Reply