San Jose, CA – A little-known technology startup, Whiskerly Inc., announced this morning it had secured $8 million in Series A funding to pursue what company officials described only as “unusual machines.” Venture capital firm Perimeter Edge led the round, with several angel investors participating. In a statement, Perimeter Edge partner Alicia Gorse praised Whiskerly’s vision while admitting she had “no idea whatsoever” about the company’s product, roadmap, or even the basic laws of physics involved.
Whiskerly, incorporated in late 2023, has so far provided scant public detail about its operations. The investor prospectus, a single page headed “Imagine Different,” features only a photograph of several ambiguous metallic objects next to a plant and what appears to be an unrelated pie chart. Regulatory filings list their product type as “potentially kinetic, theoretically angular,” while the patent applications reference “a unique harnessing of ambient events.” Officials close to the fundraising said documents were reviewed, but mostly for proper spelling.
Commenting on the funding, Whiskerly’s CEO Dana Veidt spoke at a press conference in front of a blacked-out whiteboard. “We are working on something the world has never conceptualized, or perhaps even wanted,” said Veidt. She assured reporters that her personal excitement was matched only by her total lack of background in engineering, manufacturing, or business. “We’re building a new sector between the sectors,” Veidt added, “enabling the future to occur at a rate previously described only in the subjunctive mood.”
Investor enthusiasm remains high. A spokesperson for Trendonaut Ventures noted that the promise of total ignorance around Whiskerly’s actual function is what drew them in. “Our fund’s mantra is ‘Don’t think, just seed.’ We expect returns in direct proportion to our confusion,” said managing director Leonard Pint, who proudly carried a Whiskerly prototype box containing sand, a mirror, and an irrevocable non-disclosure agreement. Internal analyses provided by Whiskerly estimate that the “Addressable Uncertainty Market” could be “infinite, or at least extensive in directions we are only beginning to ignore.”
In recent days, the company opened an online waitlist for both beta testers and “unwitting participants,” with applicants asked to sign a liability waiver and answer if they “own or have ever seen a magnet.” Local zoning officials confirmed receipt of a 1,400-page application to erect the first “Machine Uncertainty Enclosure,” though administrators confessed the submitted plans were entirely black rectangles with the word “YES?” handwritten on each page. City Council’s Special Committee for Apparent Progress voted unanimously to approve the plans, noting the “clear potential for undetectable economic impact.”
The initial funding is expected to cover at least four quarters or “until delineation is required,” Whiskerly’s CFO told analysts. Meanwhile, investors, the city, and even the startup’s own employees maintain cautious optimism, or, as stated in Whiskerly’s mission slide deck, “a persistent sense that something is definitely happening.” As is now tradition with most emergent technologies, specific concern has been deferred for further study.
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