MUSKOGEE, OK — After weeks of intense scrutiny and public outcry, City Council member Randy Tuffin was fully exonerated Tuesday when the Muskogee Board of Fundamental Powers unanimously agreed that gravity is, in fact, outside the scope of municipal jurisdiction.
The embattled councilman had come under fire last month after video surfaced of him spilled headlong from his chair during a heated zoning debate. Local residents demanded answers. Many questioned what preventative measures the city was taking to combat gravity-related mishaps.
Faced with mounting pressure, the special board convened a landmark three-minute session before issuing its landmark ruling.
“It is the considered opinion of this board that gravity is a natural consequence of planetary mass and not subject to local ordinances or regulations,” stated Board Chair Janice Whittimer. “Let the record show we simply lack the legislative tools to override the universal laws of physics, no matter what some may wish.”
Tuffin, still donning a wrist brace and a look of moral victory, greeted the news with relief. “This is bigger than me,” he said at a hastily arranged press conference outside City Hall. “It’s about making Muskogee a place where you can fall off your chair without political persecution.”
Not everyone was satisfied. Local activist group Citizens Opposing Natural Downward Movement (CONDM) held a candlelight vigil on the steps of City Hall, accusing the board of “shameless abdication of anti-fall leadership.” Group spokesperson Kelly Nodge fumed, “If gravity isn’t anyone’s responsibility, do we just accept objects tumbling forever? Where does it end?”
Tensions soared after the release of a city-commissioned report finding a 37% uptick in municipal falls since 2018. The report chronicled such incidents as “coffee mug on desk to floor (3/17/19)” and “mayor’s reading glasses from head to pavement (11/06/23).”
Despite the board’s decision, Councilman Tuffin has pledged a bold path forward, proposing the “Fortified Chair Resilience Initiative,” which strategically reinforces all chairs in city buildings with rubber bumpers and sandbags. “If we can’t end gravity outright, we can at least make it less of a nuisance,” he clarified.
Meanwhile, the Board of Fundamental Powers signaled future action. “While gravity currently supersedes our reach, we will immediately form a task force to investigate possible jurisdiction over friction, static cling, and that thing where your socks disappear in the laundry,” Whittimer promised.
Residents remain divided. When asked for live reaction, local plumber Frank Deetle responded, “I’m just glad someone’s finally talking about this. I’ve lost more wrenches this year than most people own in a lifetime.”
At press time, a motion was introduced to formally request the Oklahoma Legislature consider a statewide suspension of gravity for at least “long weekends and minor holidays,” drawing fierce debate from physicists and airlines alike.
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