In a groundbreaking move for the world of self-improvement and deferment, local man Steve Thompson has confidently announced his New Year’s resolution for 2024: to be better prepared with excuses for not fulfilling his 2025 resolutions.
Thompson, a 34-year-old professional procrastinator and part-time graphic designer, shared his paradigm-shifting plan at a holiday gathering, much to the awe and admiration of friends and family in attendance. “I’m tired of the same old cycle,” Thompson began, as he solemnly sipped a diet soda. “Every year, I make resolutions like ‘Lose weight’ or ‘Learn a new skill,’ and I always scramble for believable excuses around mid-January when my motivation inevitably evaporates. It’s inefficient. In 2024, I’m taking a proactive approach.”
The bold declaration comes after what Thompson describes as “years of trial, error, and avoidance,” paving the way for what he claims will be a “revolutionary new era in organized excuse planning.” To further emphasize his commitment, Thompson has devoted his final hours of 2023 to curating what he modestly refers to as “The Ultimate Excuse Rolodex,” a color-coded system alphabetized by plausibility and infused with a touch of artistry. Categories range from the whimsical “My Dog Lost My Yoga Mat” to the more pragmatic “A Scheduling Conflict with My Special Couch Time.”
Local self-help guru Janet “The Inspirator” Mitchell praised Thompson’s endeavor, calling it “a courageous march toward embracing one’s inner quitter.” Mitchell, who has been guiding community members through motivational seminars such as “Channel Your Inner Sloth” and “How to Say ‘Yes’ to Saying ‘No,’” believes that self-awareness is key. “Steve’s initiative inspires us all to acknowledge our limits,” she stated. “And if there’s one thing people need to accept, it’s that avoidance is as much a part of human nature as excessive optimism.”
Data from a recent study by the Institute of Careful Not Caring suggests that 87% of Americans aspire to achieve more each January, only to have their half-hearted efforts dissolve under the harsh scrutiny of February marathons of reality television. “Steve is rewriting the script,” said Dr. Felicity Knowles, lead analyst at the institute. “Planning for portable and reusable excuses could very well become the new gold standard for the serial non-committer.”
While some critics suggest that Thompson’s approach undermines the spirit of New Year’s resolutions, others hail it as an honest acknowledgment of flakiness that says, “I’m full of ambition, but only when it’s convenient.”
Thompson remains unfazed by the limited detractors, already dedicating his idle holiday hours to bastions of daytime soap operas and fantasy football leagues. He insists that with careful planning and strategic use of underrated excuses like “Mercury in retrograde” and “It was a leap year delay,” he will be ready to tackle the inevitable failures of 2025 head-on, with unparalleled preparedness.
“I’m not aiming to succeed,” he clarified, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand last-minute cancelations. “I’m striving for mediocrity with style.” As the final hours of 2023 tick away, Steve Thompson continues his unapologetic pursuit of the perfect runaway plans, reminding us all that the only goal worth chasing is comfort.
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