In a commendable display of frugality and intestinal fortitude, local man Jonathan Frumps has declared victory over the inordinately surging cost of living by substituting his beloved avocados—a former staple of his chipotle-smeared lifestyle—with the significantly more economical option of gravel.
For years, Frumps was an ardent devotee of the nutrient-rich, albeit financially draining, alligator pear. But as prices skyrocketed into the stratospheric regions of Holy Guacamole, Frumps found himself facing an unsustainable avocado habit that threatened to bankrupt his ability to pay for basic living expenses, such as air and water.
“I realized something had to change when I saw that half an avocado would set me back more than my monthly subscription to the Illusion of Luxury streaming service,” Frumps noted during an accidental moment of introspection while scrolling through social media for deals on organic avocado-toasts. “It was then that I found inspiration in the most unlikely of places—the lush gravel pits of my neighbor’s driveway.”
Nutritionally vacant yet abundantly available, gravel emerged as a surprisingly adequate alternative. Each handful procured at zero cost per kilogram promised zero fat, zero calories, and best of all—a unique crunch that would send health enthusiasts spiraling into a state of mineral-euphoric zeal. Local dietician Dr. Edna Pebbleston hailed Frumps’ discovery as a major breakthrough in food-economy logic.
“Gravel consumption is not only a cost-effective solution,” Dr. Pebbleston chimed in while adjusting her lab coat, “but it also promotes dental resilience and an exciting path to digestive discovery. Jonathan is truly paving the way toward a robustly rock-based diet.”
In a corporate partnership that no one saw coming, GlumbCo Gravel Distributors has jumped at the chance to market an artisanal line of “Mouthful of Masons” gourmet gravel snacks, featuring flavors such as Pink Himalayan Grit and Carolina Chert Supreme, which Titans of Industry predict could disrupt the overpriced avocado market by next quarter.
While skeptics have raised concerns about potential pitfalls, such as increased dental bills and frequent indigestion, Frumps remains resolute. “Sure, it’s a bit rough around the edges, but it’s amazing how adaptable the human palate can be. I even whipped up a gravel guacamole that’s sure to be a hit at the next potluck.”
Meanwhile, local economists who once heralded the avocado consumption boom are puzzling over a growing trend of citizens resorting to even more absurd cost-saving measures, including DIY oxygen bars made from discarded bicycle pumps.
In what is quickly becoming a nationwide craze, Jonathan now leads a growing online community, #GravelGourmets, who hail his pioneering spirit. His story serves as a gritty reminder of the lengths people will go to maintain their standard of living without compromising on life’s most essential indulgences—such as the illusory fulfillment of eating raw minerals as meals.
As for Jonathan Frumps, the future looks as solid as a rock, undoubtedly with more crunch.
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