Local Engineer Revealed To Be Method Actor Doing 10-Year Bit

St. Louis, MO – Residents of Westmore Heights were startled this week to learn that William Dunphy, widely regarded as a dependable process engineer at local firm Covalence Industries, has been quietly engaged in an extended method acting project for the past ten years. The revelation emerged after Covalence’s annual Human Resource Reflection Initiative uncovered discrepancies in Dunphy’s personal records, leading to a company-wide memo and several hurriedly arranged staff support sessions.

According to company spokesperson Loretta Smalls, Dunphy first joined Covalence in 2014 under the premise of “researching the emotional arcs of mid-tier industrial professionals for an immersive dramatic work.” For the entirety of his tenure, he maintained an unbroken commitment to portraying “William Dunphy, Engineer,” arriving early each day with a packed lunch, performing moderate technical tasks with subdued enthusiasm, and never once coming out of character, even when pressed for weekend social plans. Fellow staff recall that while Dunphy’s knowledge of pump calibration was sporadic, his monotone delivery and penchant for passive-aggressive email sign-offs seemed unusually authentic.

While method acting for extended periods is not unprecedented, labor analyst Dr. Irene Vasquez of the Greater Midwestern Occupational Institute remarked that Dunphy’s case stands out. “We typically see immersive performance art projects last several weeks, perhaps months. To convincingly simulate advanced ennui, mild caffeine dependency, and a comfort level with polyester blends for a full decade is a landmark achievement in the field of vocational dramaturgy.” Dr. Vasquez cited recent studies that suggest as many as 0.03% of American professionals are actually performers covertly embedded in their own jobs for extended durations, though most do so at regional credit unions.

Despite the initial sense of betrayal, several members of Covalence’s leadership expressed relief. “Frankly, it’s a comfort to learn that his insistence on the elliptical isosceles manifold wasn’t a technical error, but a nuanced character choice,” said Chief Technical Officer George Melman, who now questions years of otherwise inexplicable workflow disruptions that have been retroactively attributed to avant-garde improvisational exercises. The company’s IT department confirmed that Dunphy’s persistent refusal to use two-factor authentication and his monthly misplacement of safety goggles were, in retrospect, bold explorations of narrative realism, rather than genuine lapses.

Investigation into Dunphy’s employment is ongoing, with the company now actively reviewing the backgrounds of team members for performance motives. The Human Resource department has recommended mandatory daily self-disclosure forms in which employees must affirm their “primary vocational intent,” to preempt further cases of embedded artistic subterfuge. Meanwhile, Dunphy himself has reportedly moved to a small town in Idaho to prepare for his next role: a recluse beekeeper, to be played over a period of fourteen years.

At press time, production at Covalence Industries remains at 86% of its projected efficiency, roughly unchanged from before Dunphy’s theatrical denouement.