Jimmy Kimmel’s Return to ABC Declared National Holiday, America Rejoices with 48-Hour Screen Time Challenge

Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented gesture, the White House officially proclaimed “Jimmy Kimmel Live Resumption Day” a national holiday on Monday, following ABC’s announcement of Jimmy Kimmel’s highly anticipated return to late-night television after a brief hiatus. In a televised address, Press Secretary Lloyd Hammett stated, “This is a momentous occasion for American culture, unity, and consumer engagement,” as a flock of network executives nodded solemnly behind him.

According to the Department of Social Well-Being, an estimated 87% of Americans tuned in to Kimmel’s first episode, shattering all previous late-night records and narrowly surpassing the 2016 “Dog Mayor” inauguration’s nationwide viewership. A joint congressional resolution proposed by the Bipartisan Committee on Entertainment, led by Rep. Mara Simson (D-OR) and Sen. Hugh Toaster (R-MN), swiftly passed both houses without debate. “Frankly, the country needs something to celebrate,” Toaster told The Fraudulent Times, “and what better than the familiar reassurance of topical jokes about airline food?”

As festivities began in cities nationwide, the Centers for Media Excellence partnered with ABC to launch the official “48-Hour Screen Time Challenge” in honor of Kimmel’s return. Participants were encouraged to remain indoors, eyes fixed on any screen broadcasting ABC content or preapproved Jimmy Kimmel clips. Local authorities distributed refresher pamphlets titled “Blinking and Hydration: Your Friends During Marathon Watching,” while the Federal Communications Commission temporarily suspended regulations on commercial interruptions, allowing for a seamless marathon viewing environment.

Reports from several major cities indicated robust compliance, with Times Square filled not with revelers, but an orderly maze of recliner chairs facing hundreds of jumbo screens. In a surprise move, the Department of Labor issued workers a special Screen Time Exemption Letter, excusing employees from duties for the duration, provided they submitted a selfie showing “active engagement with televised Kimmel content.” By hour 37, the American Association of Ophthalmologists issued a gentle advisory recommending “rotational eye rest,” though it clarified that any resulting visual hallucinations were a “normal indicator of patriotic media consumption.”

There were occasional logistical challenges. In Des Moines, the designated “Parade of Desk Lamps” was stalled for several hours when participants were unable to tear themselves away from Kimmel’s monologue about pumpkin spice lattes. Meanwhile, elementary schools replaced scheduled lessons with Kimmel reruns, and several universities offered extra credit to any students who could recite the previous night’s guest interview from memory.

At the conclusion of the 48-hour challenge, faint applause and the quiet hum of thousands of screens echoed throughout the nation. The administration issued a statement congratulating citizens on demonstrating, once again, “the unbreakable American spirit of passive entertainment.” With another Kimmelless year presumed to be nearly unimaginable, lawmakers suggested exploratory talks for a “Quarterly Retrospective Holiday” and began reviewing feasibility studies for an emergency rerun preparedness plan.