TEL AVIV—In a pioneering foray into psychological operations, Israeli intelligence this week began embedding pointed, vaguely judgmental push notifications within Iran’s most popular online horoscope forecasts, officials confirmed Friday. The campaign, dubbed Operation Stars and Stripes (but Not Yours), aims to subtly undermine Iranian morale and self-esteem by questioning everything from snack choices to the authenticity of user-submitted birth times.
The program’s first waves were swiftly noticed on Iranian cellphones. Many Iranians expecting their typical “Mercury in retrograde, so avoid arguments with coworkers” horoscope instead received notifications like, “Aquarius: Try standing up for what you actually believe in—if that’s not too much trouble,” and “Leo: Saturn favors honesty. You sure you’re telling everyone the whole story, Reza?”
Israeli officials praised the new soft-power weapon for its ingenuity. “Why bomb a facility when you can make someone question whether their moon sign is truly compatible with their career ambitions?” explained IDF spokesperson Tali Maor. “Our polling shows that over 65% of Iranians are extremely susceptible to star-based advice, despite 100% of them denying it in public.”
Early data suggest the strategy is working. A survey conducted by the U.S.-based Institute for Geo-Cosmic Studies found that 48% of Iranian horoscope readers have begun second-guessing their every move, while another 25% have started deleting their birth charts in embarrassment. “We estimate a 17% drop in national self-confidence, just from a single Sagittarius notification reading, ‘Don’t let today’s criticism get you down. Unless, of course, it’s accurate,’” said lead astrologer Dr. Shelley Nesbit, who added that even her own birth chart “doesn’t know what to do anymore.”
The tone of the notifications escalated throughout the week. By Thursday, Capricorns were being told, “Mars in your 7th house means it may be time to wash that shirt. You know the one.” Meanwhile, Virgos received, “Perfection is admirable, but have you tried just doing your best and still failing?” causing widespread existential malaise.
Iranian authorities initially dismissed the stories as “Zionist fabrications” before tracing the push notifications to an IP address in Haifa labeled HoroSnipe.exe. “We are closely monitoring Western attempts to undermine the Islamic Republic via passive-aggressive astrology,” declared Information Minister Majid Gharbani, “and we remind our citizens that the true future of our nation cannot be dictated by foreign Virgos.”
In response, Iranian telecoms briefly replaced all horoscopes with the message, “Stars in Iran are unaffected by Israeli technology. Taurus: Stop checking Instagram.” By the weekend, however, rumors spread that a new notification had appeared: “Gemini: Your government says everything is fine. Is that what your heart says?”
Despite mounting confusion among Iranians, outside observers said the world should brace for a new stage in information warfare. According to renowned security analyst Dr. Amir Schwartz, “This marks the first openly hostile use of astrology to destabilize a nation since the CIA’s ill-fated 1979 ‘Pisces Coup’ plot. The Geneva Convention, sadly, offers no protection for the easily influenced under Mercury retrograde.”
As of press time, reports have emerged that Israel plans to step up operations with targeted Tarot readings, while Iran is rumored to be developing countermeasures involving guilt-tripping fortune cookies. For now, millions of Iranians are forced to wonder if Jupiter is truly in their corner or just being kind of a jerk about it.
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