In an unprecedented move aimed at increasing government transparency, the White House announced Tuesday that it will host its first-ever “Fight Night,” a nationally televised cage match pitting unfulfilled policy promises against the realities of actual legislation. The historic event is scheduled to take place next Friday in the East Room, which press secretary Carla Hayes described as “the only space with ceiling clearance for the regulation octagon.”
The main event will feature a no-holds-barred showdown between the president’s campaign vow for universal pre-K and a much-altered, six-page bill simply funding three new daycare center parking spaces. Sources confirm that, as per fight night tradition, both will enter, only one will leave—likely through technical knockout, or Senate filibuster.
“We want the American people to see for themselves the grueling battles their hopes and dreams endure once they enter the legislative arena,” said Hayes. “Tickets are limited, but CSPAN+ subscribers can unlock the ‘Congress Bloodsport’ feed for just $49.99.”
Veteran political analyst Trent Watterson described the evening’s fight card as “the most honest thing to emerge from Washington in decades.” Pre-match weigh-ins included a minimum wage hike (touted as 15 dollars an hour but showing up emaciated at 7.25) and the President’s long-discussed climate bill, which was immediately disqualified for testing positive for fossil fuel subsidies.
Notable undercard bouts will include:
– Banning Assault Weapons vs. Loosening Definition of ‘Assault’ to Mean ‘Unfriendly Scowl’
– Comprehensive Immigration Reform vs. Additional Fencing Near Idaho Arby’s
– Student Loan Forgiveness vs. A Strongly Worded Memo Suggesting Grad Students ‘Ask Their Parents’
White House Fight Night will be officiated by the Congressional Budget Office, with instant replay available for all last-second pork amendments. Fans attending in person are encouraged to pick a side; “Team Promise” merch will glow with optimism until contact with executive branch reality, at which point it fades to a color described as “bureaucratic slate.”
Political science professor Linda Faulkner expressed cautious optimism: “At the very least, this is a step up from the usual practice of just throwing campaign speeches down a well.” Early betting odds strongly favor Actual Legislation, with Promises staggered by years of gerrymandered undertraining.
The event’s sponsors include the American Dental Association—preparing for nationwide teeth-gnashing—and several major pharmaceutical companies, who have supplied the Zoloft confetti canon for the grand finale.
Organizers hope Fight Night will become a quarterly tradition, with possible pay-per-view tie-ins for upcoming midterm seasons. “It’s democracy in action,” said Hayes. “Who knows? Maybe next time we’ll let Truth and Accountability go a few rounds.”
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