MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground.
Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image of the lane while blurring past his competitors in a sprawl of windmilling limbs and audible whooshes. Meet officials originally planned to disqualify Dewberry, but quickly discovered there are, in fact, no rules specifically stating that runners must touch the track.
“Look, the rulebook clearly defines a legal finish as ‘crossing the line by one’s own means or volition,’” explained head referee Teresa Mobley, nervously flipping through the National High School Athletics Manual. “Nowhere does it require actual terrestrial foot-to-turf contact. Honestly, none of us expected this to ever be relevant.”
A rising star on the Lincoln High Track Team, Dewberry reportedly arrived for the qualifiers clutching a dog-eared copy of “Quantum Leaping For Dummies” and mumbling about “exploiting the Planck constant for competitive advantage.” His resultant glide has captivated both athletic and scientific communities, as well as the international wizardry circuit.
“In preliminary review, Dewberry appears to be utilizing what’s technically called an Unobserved Micro-Inertial Propulsion Burst, or UMIPB,” said Dr. Floella Shatz, Professor of Theoretical Physics at Montgomery Polytechnic. “That’s kind of like how electrons jump between energy levels, only sweatier and with more Nike sponsorships. Either he’s bent space-time, or slammed a lot of Red Bull. Honestly, it’s a toss-up.”
Event statisticians confirmed Dewberry maintained a constant velocity of 12.2 meters per second, officially outperforming both his state rivals and most Air Force flight simulations. Asked how he achieved his aeronautical feat, Dewberry demurred: “Look, Newton had his apple, I’ve got my own thing. Also, Mr. Vasquez never said I couldn’t.”
In an informal post-race huddle, several coaches suggested next year’s rulebook will need drastic revision. “We’re not sure how to phrase this, but maybe something along the lines of ‘runners must maintain a minimum of 50% contact with earthly surfaces at all times,’” admitted Coach Rhonda Pierce of the rival team. “Otherwise the pole vaulters could get ideas.”
Local parents have expressed a mix of awe, suspicion, and terror. “I just don’t want Marcus teaching my daughter how to phase through homework assignments,” said PTA member Linda Gladden. “But if she can levitate to college, I’ll allow it.”
As of press time, Dewberry was reportedly negotiating a scholarship offer from both MIT’s quantum research wing and the U.S. Space Force, as well as fielding interview requests from every major sports outlet, two NASA labs, and one particularly enthusiastic Hogwarts professor.
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