Government Announces New ‘Chill Mode’ Shutdown, Promises to Keep Nation in Suspended Animation for Undetermined Duration

Washington, D.C. – In an ambitious move to promote national calm and conserve resources, the U.S. government unveiled its inaugural “Chill Mode” shutdown on Tuesday. Senior administration officials said the measure will see the entire country placed in a state of technologically enhanced suspended animation for a length of time not yet determined.

According to a joint statement from the Departments of Energy and Tranquility, all American households, businesses, and public offices will be transitioned “gradually but quite firmly” into Chill Mode by the end of the week. Under the plan, citizens will remain “peacefully inert yet preservable,” explained Dr. Hiltrude Gurney, Undersecretary of Societal Rest. “It’s about hitting pause, so we can all catch our collective breath as a nation,” Gurney told reporters, noting the benchmark goal to reduce national metabolic output by at least 94 percent.

Federal contractors have already deployed teams to fit every American residence with certified Dormancy Cocoons. The Department of Transportation confirmed that stationary vehicles will be sealed in “slumber pockets,” while all pets—except ceremonial pigeons—will be placed on recharge mats. “We recognize that keeping an entire civilization napping is a logistical feat,” said Charles Nicksorp, Director of National Hibernate Operations, “which is why we’re partnering with mattress magnates and vape shops for expert consultation.”

Despite initial confusion among state governors—several of whom reportedly entered Chill Mode meetings prior to reading their briefing packets—White House officials continue to assure the public that essential services will be minimally disrupted. “All emergency responses will occur via remote dream-communications until further notice,” explained the Office of Situational Napping.

Market analysts have warned of unpredictable consequences, including the sudden halt of commerce, education, and gravity-dependent infrastructure. A government-commissioned fact sheet, however, describes potential upsides. “We anticipate noticeable improvements in air quality, broadband speed, and the national sense of longing,” reads the summary. “And with all disputes tabled for the duration of Chill Mode, conflict metrics are projected to hit an all-time low.”

As of press time, guidance regarding an exit procedure has not been finalized. “The important thing is that everyone closes their eyes and thinks relaxing thoughts,” said Gurney, before dissolving into a faint cloud of lavender vapor. The Department of Tranquility recommends that any Americans still awake after transition should “meditate quietly until further instruction is provided, or until the concept of time resumes.”