Albany, NY – Former Representative George Santos filed a sweeping lawsuit against “objective reality” on Thursday, citing alleged “deliberate misrepresentation and malicious slander” of the alternate universe in which he says he achieves most of his accomplishments. The 147-page brief, hand-delivered to the Albany County Court in a manila folder covered in glitter, names Reality itself as the principal defendant, though subsequent pages also cite Time, Space, and the Law of Non-Contradiction as co-conspirators.
According to Santos’ attorney, Stanislas “Stan” Duvet, the suit seeks “injunctive relief and reputational restoration” for Santos’s meticulously developed, privately-held universe, where he is currently recognized as a Nobel laureate, three-term governor, and eight-time winner of the Westminster Dog Show. “Reality’s insistence on only documenting Mr. Santos’s corporeal existence has led to demonstrable damage to his imaginary legacy, including the loss of hypothetical endorsements, honorary doctorates, and at least one Pegasus,” Duvet told reporters.
Officials at the New York State Judiciary expressed confusion over the nature of the plaintiff’s claims. A sternly worded memorandum from the Office of the Court Clerk, entitled “Re: Santos v. Ontology,” admits the court is unaccustomed to disputes with metaphysical constructs but promised to assign a bailiff to ensure Reality’s timely appearance. In a phone briefing, Chief Clerk Martha Pinter said, “While the court has previously ruled on matters involving alternate facts, this is the first instance where we have been asked to subpoena Existence itself. We are consulting with our office philosopher.”
Sources close to the matter indicate the court may consider live testimony from both Mr. Santos and his fictional parallel self, to be conducted simultaneously in adjacent chambers, lest causality be unduly perturbed. Santos has already submitted over seven hundred pages of evidence, including campaign flyers from universes Zeta-4 through Beta-Kappa, a handwritten musical score for his alleged Broadway debut, and a letter of recommendation from Chief Justice John Jay’s animated skeleton.
Experts remain divided on the merits of the case. Dr. Felicia Lint, Chair of the Committee on Legal Unreality, described the suit as “unprecedented but not entirely unthinkable.” She added, “More and more, we are seeing public figures pursue recognition in the face of strenuous opposition from the widely observable world.” Meanwhile, the defense—Reality—has made no public statements, though records reflect that it remains manifest as usual.
The court is scheduled to hear opening arguments Wednesday, provided the building does not collapse into paradox. Observers express cautious optimism that a resolution may be reached before any further cosmological disruptions occur. At press time, Reality could not be reached for comment, though it continued to behave, by all available accounts, according to its established laws.
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