WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising reversal of decades-long foreign policy doctrine, former National Security Advisor Mallory Kent revealed Monday that nuclear threats issued by various world leaders are, according to her, “just elaborate ploys for attention,” and suggested that the international community could “de-escalate tensions by sending a nice bouquet, maybe some tulips or something seasonal.”
Speaking at a sparsely attended press conference streaming live on her personal TikTok account, Kent asserted, “Everyone acts like deterring a nuclear exchange requires sanctions or summits, but our intelligence indicates it’s more about feeling seen. If Putin, Kim Jong-un, and their friends received a thoughtful arrangement with a handwritten card, I bet we’d have world peace by Tuesday.”
Kent elaborated that recent diplomatic standoffs could have reached peaceful conclusions had the United States embraced “the universal power of a heartfelt gesture.” She cited a classified 2022 report, which she admitted was mostly based on Hallmark Channel dramas, suggesting 87% of global nuclear threats were motivated by the perpetrator “just wanting someone to notice them, maybe give them a fudge basket.”
When asked for comment, State Department spokesperson Linda Barron said, “We cannot confirm or deny that international tensions can be de-escalated by floral gifts, but we are exploring synergy with 1-800-FLOWERS in our upcoming North Korea negotiations.”
Policy analysts, expressing skepticism, have pointed out that the last attempt at gift-based diplomacy—a 2009 initiative in which an ambassador delivered a fruit basket to Iran—resulted in the fruit being returned with a note reading simply, “We’re allergic.” Still, Kent remains undeterred.
“Missile tests are basically the same as a toddler throwing a tantrum. Sure, there’s a lot of noise, but really they just want someone to show they care,” Kent insisted. “Imagine if instead of threatening fire and fury, our presidents responded with peonies and maybe a heartfelt playlist.”
According to a recent Pew Procrastination Poll, 63% of Americans agreed that the risk of nuclear war would decline sharply if world leaders just got together for chocolate fondue. A further 12% thought edible arrangements might do the trick, and 5% misunderstood the poll and answered “macramé.”
At press time, the White House was reportedly trialing the “Kent Protocol” by delivering a sunflowers-and-lilies arrangement to the Russian embassy. Early reports indicated the bouquet was immediately repurposed as a nesting material for local pigeons, who experts now believe may inadvertently hold the key to global disarmament.
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