Cairo, Egypt – Archaeologists with the Pan-Egyptian Restoration Initiative announced Wednesday the discovery of an unprecedented cache of papyrus scrolls detailing the inner workings of Ancient Egypt’s most infamous royal court. According to a pre-publication embargoed summary shared with The Fraudulent Times, the scrolls contain reference to a long-rumored pet name King Tutankhamun used for Cleopatra: “Snuggly Bastet Muffin,” a revelation that Egyptologists say will dramatically reshape contemporary understanding of ancient interpersonal diplomacy.
The fragile scroll fragments, unearthed in a previously undiscovered sub-chamber beneath the Valley of the Kings’ snack preparation complex, were initially cataloged as laundry receipts before a student intern noticed unusual hieroglyphic combinations. Dr. Mahmoud Helali, lead researcher on the project, described the find as “utterly revolutionary for Egyptology, and incidentally, for pet-naming conventions worldwide.”
Careful translation by the British Museum’s Hieratic Encryption Taskforce reveals that the scrolls detail heated exchanges between the young pharaoh and Cleopatra VII, who may have predated her own birth by several centuries to attend Tutankhamun’s legendary chariot races. Although the precise historical overlap remains controversial, experts agree the evidence is compelling. “Temporal anomalies in Egyptian royal drama were a known administrative challenge,” said Professor Constance Petley, chief scribe-reenactment supervisor at Oxford’s Anachronism Studies Centre, “often resolved with papyrus memos or, as we now see, affectionate monikers.”
Among the scrolls’ revelations are transcripts of royal arguments over lost hair wigs, disputes about strategic hand-holding during crocodile ceremonies, and references to a secret royal therapy cat, “Sir Hugs-a-Lot,” who is said to have presided over marital negotiations. Detailed flowcharts illustrate a robust system for exchanging passive-aggressive stele and ancient glances that qualified as official decrees of mild annoyance. The dysfunction apparently culminated in a ceremonial “Sulk Pyramid,” constructed from discarded eyeliner and doomed tender promises.
Newly translated portions suggest that at one point, the entire Egyptian tax code was suspended for three months after Cleopatra, citing her status as “Snuggliest of All Known Queens,” refused to attend a pyramid dedication unless Tutankhamun personally embroidered a linen tapestry with their pet name. This brief era, now known among scholars as “The Fluffening,” wrought administrative chaos; three major temples briefly switched from worshipping Ra to the spirit of marital compromise.
Reached for off-record comment, a spokesperson for Egypt’s Ministry of Antiquities reminded reporters to differentiate between heartfelt affection and policy-making. “Governance was often entwined with melodrama. This did not noticeably impede the construction of large commemorative structures, except on alternating Thursdays, or during solar eclipses, which were reserved for couples counseling.”
The full contents of the scrolls will be exhibited in a strictly silent gallery, to protect their structural integrity and to spare visitors from what Dr. Helali calls “the excruciating emotional tension” so characteristic of ancient dynastic soap operas. Cleopatra’s great-great-grandniece, a ceremonial title conferred on a passing ibis, will cut the ribbon.
Experts remain divided on the long-term consequences of the revelation. According to preliminary national polling, 38% of Egyptians support a reboot of the monarchy with mandatory pet names, while 12% have launched a campaign to replace the Sphinx’s riddle with an impenetrable romantic metaphor. The rest are simply waiting for ancient Egypt’s next telenovela to be green-lit by the Ministry of Cultural Nostalgia, tentatively entitled “Pyramids of the Heart.”
Royal dysfunction, it seems, is as enduring as the sands of the Nile.
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