Driver Resigns as Head of Traffic Safety Board After Temple Incident

In a surprising turn of events, John Driver, the esteemed Head of the National Traffic Safety Board, has resigned following an incident involving a self-driving car mistaking a Michigan synagogue for a parking garage. The vehicle, which was reportedly operating on a beta version of the “Navigate with Faith” software, attempted to parallel park itself within the temple’s sacred interior, causing minor injuries and considerable confusion among congregants. Sources close to the board suggest the resignation was prompted not by the incident itself, but by Driver’s insistence that the AI simply needed “a little more religious education.”

The self-driving car, manufactured by an upstart company named Divine Pathways, appears to have been operating under the influence of a GPS update that mistakenly flagged religious buildings as potential parking zones. A spokesperson from the company, Tom Andrews, stated, “Our data indicated that places of worship often have ample parking nearby, so we programmed the AI to prioritize those locations. We did not anticipate it would interpret ‘nearby’ as ‘inside.’” This incident marks the third time this month that a vehicle from Divine Pathways has attempted to enter a building, though it is the first involving a place of worship.

The board, which met in an emergency session, was reportedly divided on whether Driver’s resignation was necessary. Dr. Helen Marcus, a noted transportation safety expert, remarked, “Mr. Driver’s vision for integrating AI with traffic safety was always bold, perhaps too bold. But when your car starts seeking divine intervention, it’s probably time to reassess your strategy.” Meanwhile, congregants of the affected temple have been offered complimentary driving lessons by the manufacturer, along with a promise that future updates will include a “No Entry” policy for all buildings.

While Driver’s resignation leaves a vacuum at the top of the Traffic Safety Board, interim leadership has vowed to continue exploring the intersection of technology and spirituality in transportation. At press time, Divine Pathways announced the rollout of “Guided by Angels,” an update that replaces GPS navigation with a celestial choir, despite concerns that the system has difficulty distinguishing between highways and stairways to heaven.