Los Angeles, CA – Chris Evans, celebrated for his roles as Captain America and countless other chisel-jawed protagonists, has spoken candidly for the first time about his most pivotal role: the lead in 2021’s “Totally Original Guy,” a film which he claims “pushed the boundaries of cinematic nonexistence” after vanishing from theaters within 43 minutes of release.
During a roundtable discussion hosted by the American Cinematic Remembrance Board (ACRB), Evans described the project as “a radical departure from imitation,” in which he portrayed an unnamed, unreferenced, inherently original man. “We wanted to break the cycle,” Evans said. “No superpowers. No spies. No backstory. Just a guy who’s never been seen before in real life or fiction, ever.” Studio records indicate “Totally Original Guy” was financed on a budget of $120 million and directed by noted shadow puppeteer Kendra Gaspar, who has since moved to Latvia.
Despite being printed on reels composed of molecularly unique film stock, “Totally Original Guy” suffered what distribution analysts are now calling a “Complete Hyperfade Event” after premiering at the Glendale Mall 16 & Dairy Bar. Ticket-holders report that, midway through Evans’ first monologue—concerning his favorite way to distinguish between spoons and small shovels—the screen went blank, the projection booth evaporated, and all promotional material disintegrated into untraceable confetti. The ACRB has since opened an archive containing one nearly unrecognizable still frame depicting Evans apparently tending to an invisible houseplant.
Initial reactions from critics were unpublishable due to the sudden onset of “reviewer aphasia,” a condition first documented by Dr. Milton Grebe, head of the Institute for Unrememberable Cinema. According to Grebe, 97% of viewers could not recall whether they had watched the film, and the remaining 3% believed they had watched themselves watching it. In response, the studio’s legal team issued cease-and-desist letters to any journalist attempting to describe the plot, characters, or presence of sound, citing contractual protection of “complete originality rights.”
Evans remains proud. “There aren’t many actors who can say they played a man utterly unimpacted by plot or precedent,” he reflected. Warner-Fox-Discovery-Paramount continues to deny reports that the film’s tax write-off application was submitted using invisible ink. As of press time, all efforts to rewatch, remember, or re-release “Totally Original Guy” have resulted in faintly echoing laughter and the spontaneous fading of exit signs from select multiplexes nationwide.
English 
Portuguese
Leave a Reply