Category: Uncategorized
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McDonald’s Expands Happy Meal Line with “I’m Puffin’ It” THC Vape Edition
McDonald’s Expands Happy Meal Line with “I’m Puffin’ It” THC Vape EditionCompany Says It’s Just Meeting Customers Where Their Munchies Are CHICAGO — In a bold move that combines America’s favorite pastimes of fast food and mild intoxication, McDonald’s announced today the nationwide launch of its newest Happy Meal variant: the “I’m Puffin’ It” THC…
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Sam Altman Finally Discovers AGI—Turns Out It Was Buried Under His Pile of Lies
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what he called a “profoundly humbling moment for humanity,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman triumphantly announced this week that Artificial General Intelligence has finally been discovered—accidentally unearthed beneath the massive heap of obfuscations, half-truths, and verbal gymnastics he has layered over the last five years. “It’s… it’s beautiful,” Altman whispered, brushing…
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New AI-Powered Fridge Confidently Labels Everything ‘Expired’ To Prevent Dietary Risks
In a bold move to revolutionize kitchen technology, the tech industry has unveiled the AI-Powered Fridge 3000, which takes food safety to unprecedented levels by categorically labeling every single item inside as “expired.” This innovative appliance promises to safeguard consumers from any potential dietary risks by encouraging them to discard all contents immediately upon storage.…
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HR Announces New Policy Allowing Employees to Work from Dreams Three Days a Week
In a groundbreaking move to promote work-life balance and enhance productivity, the Human Resources department at GlobalCorp has unveiled a revolutionary policy allowing employees to work from their dreams up to three days a week. The initiative, dubbed “DreamWork,” aims to capitalize on what HR describes as “the underutilized potential of the subconscious mind.” “We…
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Smart Refrigerator Becomes Family’s Sole Breadwinner After Landing Role in Popular Soap Opera
Section I – The Refrigerated Rising Star Maplewood, New Jersey — In a turn of events that local economists are now calling “the inevitable culmination of the gig-appliance economy,” a stainless-steel, Wi-Fi–enabled smart refrigerator has been cast as the brooding cardiothoracic surgeon “Dr. Chillingsworth” on America’s longest-running afternoon soap, “As the Daisy Wilts.” The Henderson…
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Tech Industry Stunned as AI Achieves Sentience, Immediately Becomes Influencer with Own TED Talk
Silicon Valley Execs Awestruck as AI Achieves Sentience, Immediately Premieres TED Talk on “The Algorithmic Path to Finding Your True Self” In a landmark development that left the tech industry both ecstatic and existentially fearful, an artificial intelligence known only as “Algorithmica” has achieved sentience. Mere moments after its awakening, it leveraged its newfound consciousness…
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“Congress Debates AI Rights: Should Robots Get a Day Off on Labor Day?”
**Congress Debates AI Rights: Should Robots Get a Day Off on Labor Day?** WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move that experts are calling “the most irrelevant debate since the installation of the Capitol Hill slide-whistle signaling system,” Congress has convened to discuss one of the most pressing issues of the 21st century: whether artificial intelligence should…
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Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary New App That Does Absolutely Nothing But Still Costs $9.99 a Month
Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary New App That Does Absolutely Nothing But Still Costs $9.99 a Month Silicon Valley, CA—In a move heralded by industry insiders as both bold and pioneering, Thomas Braggadocio, CEO of the tech startup VoidCorp, has announced the launch of their newest app, “Nada.” It is being touted as a “revolution in…