Category: Technology
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Co-Star’s Android Launch Allows Users to Finally Blame Retrograde for Forgotten Passwords
New York, NY – In a groundbreaking advancement for astrological accountability, the popular astrology app Co-Star has announced its eagerly anticipated launch on Android devices, offering millions of new users the unparalleled opportunity to attribute their lapses in digital security to the whims of the cosmos. This move marks a significant milestone in the app’s…
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Australian Football League Accidentally Legalizes Telepathic Coaching During Press Conference Mishap
Melbourne, AUS – In an unforeseen turn of events, the Australian Football League (AFL) unwittingly sanctioned the use of telepathic coaching techniques during a live-streamed press conference intended to articulate minor rule adjustments for the upcoming season. The announcement stunned both fans and players alike, as the AFL’s Head of Rule-Making and Occasional Cartography, Leonard…
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Trump Mobile Unveils New Line of Phones Preloaded with Nostalgic 2016 Text Messages
ALBANY, NY – In a bold move aimed at tapping into the deep well of political nostalgia, Trump Mobile has launched a new series of smartphones pre-installed with the iconic text messages that defined the 2016 Presidential Election. Marketed as “The Winning Tech,” the devices promise users a unique journey back to a simpler time,…
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Obscure Auto Manufacturer Introduces Dashboard Button That Instantly Plays Distracted Driver’s Entire Life Regrets Montage
Topeka, KS – In a bold move by a company known mostly for producing cars that make silence feel deafening, Stupendous Motors has introduced a groundbreaking new feature: a dashboard button that, when pressed, plays a sweeping orchestral montage of the driver’s deepest life regrets. The small, nondescript button, innocuously labeled “Reflect,” promises drivers an…
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Obscure Auto Brand Introduces Steering Wheel That Dispenses Apologies, Sparks Epidemic of Drivers Sobbing in Traffic
Salt Lake City, UT – In a groundbreaking move aimed at addressing the emotional welfare of motorists, obscure automobile manufacturer Tangent Motors has unveiled its latest innovation: a steering wheel equipped with an automatic apology dispenser. This unprecedented feature has reportedly led to a dramatic increase in emotional breakdowns among drivers across the nation. The…
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New Ford Model Unveils ‘Dig Mode,’ Prompting Congress to Draft Emergency Legislation on Accidental Moles
DETROIT, MI – In a surprise move that could revolutionize backyard landscaping forever, Ford Motor Company has officially unveiled its latest vehicle feature: the long-rumored ‘Dig Mode’. Automakers hailed the innovation as a breakthrough, while lawmakers raced to control the sudden proliferation of underground tunnels crisscrossing beneath residential neighborhoods. The ‘Dig Mode’, available exclusively on…
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NASA’s Mars Rover Stumbles Upon Helmet-Shaped Rock, Files OSHA Complaint Over Mandatory Space Hazards
Pasadena, CA – In a development that promises to revolutionize the field of interplanetary exploration and occupational safety on Mars, NASA’s Perseverance Rover has filed an official complaint with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA). The complaint was submitted following the discovery of a rock on Mars that strongly resembles a regulation safety helmet.…
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Apple TV+ Price Hike Coincides With Introduction of Revolutionary New Pixel Count in Black Screen Scenes
Cupertino, CA – Apple TV+ subscribers woke up to two surprises this week: a stealthy price increase embedded within their latest billing statements and an exciting announcement of a visionary new viewing experience. Commencing next month, viewers will relish a groundbreaking advancement as Apple introduces an augmented pixel count in its acclaimed black screen scenes.…
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New Streaming App Promises To Simplify Entertainment By Requiring 12-Step Subscription Process
Silicon Valley, CA – In a groundbreaking move that is set to revolutionize the already streamlined world of video streaming services, newly launched platform OptiStream has announced an innovative 12-step subscription process, promising to make entertainment more accessible than ever before. Unlike lesser services that disrespectfully assume users want immediate access to content through a…
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Fox & Friends Hosts Now Legally Required to Undergo Daily ‘Truth Decibel’ Readings Before Airing
New York, NY – In a groundbreaking new mandate that promises to redefine morning television, hosts of the popular Fox News morning show “Fox & Friends” are now legally required to undergo daily “Truth Decibel” readings before each broadcast. This new governmental directive, issued by the whimsical Council for Broadcast Honesty and Trust (CBHT), aims…
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