Category: Technology
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Tech Company Announces Revolutionary AI That Can Predict When You’ll Forget Your Password Again
In a groundbreaking announcement that promises to revolutionize modern procrastination, tech behemoth LogifyTech has debuted their latest artificial intelligence innovation, aptly named Predictolock. According to the company, Predictolock is the world’s first AI designed specifically to predict exactly when an individual will forget their password again, thus guiding users through the labyrinthine process of recovering…
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New Tech Startup Promises To Disrupt Industry By Offering Same Product As Competitors But With Nicer Font
In a move that has Silicon Valley scrambling for a thesaurus, innovative startup Fonttastic™ has announced a revolutionary new product feature that promises to disrupt every industry it touches: the introduction of Garamond as their default font. The company has vowed to offer the exact same services as their leading competitors, but with a discernibly…
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Local Man Discovers Inner Peace After Successfully Unsubscribing from Streaming Service’s Monthly Emails
In a breakthrough that promises to redefine societal concepts of tranquility, local resident Greg Simmons has reportedly achieved a state of profound inner peace, ambiance ordinarily reserved for mountaintop meditation retreats, simply by unsubscribing from the relentless monthly emails of a ubiquitous streaming service. Simmons, who until recently was grappling with the existential turmoil of…
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### Tech “Apple Announces New iPhone That Only Functions if You Assert Its Dominance Over Previous Models” ### Politics “Shocking: Politician Promises to Deliver on Campaign Promises, Causes Widespread Panic” ### Gaming “New Video Game Update Requires Players to Complete Tutorial on How to Waste More Time Efficiently” ### Lifestyle “Study Finds 89% of People Attend Yoga Classes Solely for the Instagram Stories” ### Business “World’s Richest Man Launches New Subscription Service to Teach Millennials How to Give Up Avocado Toast” ### Science “Scientists Discover Parallel Universe Where People Actually Read Terms and Conditions” ### Health “New Diet Trend Encourages Eating Everything in Moderation Except for Common Sense” ### Education “Local School District Implements Revolutionary ‘Teach Yourself’ Curriculum; Teachers Finally Catch Up on Sleep”
“Apple Announces New iPhone That Only Functions if You Assert Its Dominance Over Previous Models” Cupertino, CA – In an audacious stride toward tech supremacy, Apple announced the release of the iPhone Dominate, a groundbreaking model that insists on users proving their undying loyalty and superiority over all previous versions. The announcement was met with…
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JavaScript Introduces ‘====’ to Ensure Absolute Equality, Promises ‘Pure, Uncut Truth’ by 2027
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In its ongoing quest to eliminate any remaining traces of developer confidence, the JavaScript Standards Committee announced this week the upcoming release of a new equality operator: ====, which it describes as “like ===, but more honest about your disappointment.” “The == operator was a mistake. We admit that,” said ECMAScript…
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Tech Giant Announces Bold 7-Day Workweek After “Overwhelmingly Positive” Response to Forced Office Return
Executives at AlwaysOn Technologies have unveiled a revolutionary new policy that will see employees clocking in every day of the week. Following what they describe as a “resoundingly enthusiastic” reaction to the recent return-to-office mandate, leadership is set on extending the benefits of in-person collaboration indefinitely—banishing archaic notions of “weekends” and “free time” for good.…
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Amazon Boldly Announces 17 New AWS Services, Confident No One Understands the Last 400
Seattle, WA — In a dazzling display of technological supremacy, Amazon Web Services (AWS) proudly announced the launch of 17 new services this week, continuing its long-standing tradition of overwhelming the industry with an impenetrable wall of cloud-based jargon. Among the new offerings are AWS Hyperscale Quantum Blockchain Elastic Synergy (HSQBES), AWS Serverless AI-Powered Kubernetes…
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Like a Senile 86-Year-Old Grandpa, Local Software Engineer Insists AI Isn’t Real
BOISE, ID— While advancements in artificial intelligence have revolutionized industries worldwide, local software engineer Mark Fielding, 34, has taken a bold stance against the technology’s existence, mirroring the logic and temperament of a confused 86-year-old grandfather ranting at the dinner table. “Oh sure, they say it’s artificial intelligence,” Fielding declared loudly in the middle of…