Category: Technology
-
Samsung Galaxy S25 to Include Optional Mindfulness Coach Who Suggests Leaving Phone at Home
Seoul, South Korea – In a move signaling the next frontier in smartphone wellness, Samsung Electronics announced Monday that its forthcoming Galaxy S25 will ship with an integrated virtual mindfulness coach who may advise users to “leave your phone at home” when venturing out. The initiative, company leaders say, underscores Samsung’s ongoing commitment to holistic…
-
Blue Jays Defy Physics and Baseball Norms, Attribute Victory to New Quantum Umpire Technology
Toronto, ON – The Toronto Blue Jays stunned baseball fans and physicists alike last night by clinching a 23-2 victory over the Seattle Mariners. Players credited their success to Major League Baseball’s recent installation of Quantum Umpire technology, an AI-driven officiating system said to make “probabilistic” calls in order to reflect the true uncertainty at…
-
Xiaomi 17 Pro Proudly Unveils New ‘iCopy’ Feature: Now with More Bezels, Less Shame
Shenzhen, China – Xiaomi held a virtual keynote Tuesday to announce the 17 Pro, the company’s latest flagship smartphone and the first to introduce what it calls “iCopy,” a revolutionary feature designed, according to executives, for “those who want the best of both worlds: unmistakable originality with unapologetic imitation.” Launched to what company spokespeople described…
-
Apple Unveils iPhone 17 Pro: Revolutionary Design Inspired by Bland Conference Room Tables
Cupertino, CA – Apple unveiled its highly anticipated iPhone 17 Pro on Tuesday, touting what executives described as a “revolutionary design ethos” modeled after the company’s favorite conference room tables. The announcement, streamed live to 23 million viewers, emphasized an aesthetic that chief design officer Armand Kraye called “unmistakably inoffensive, maximally forgettable.” According to internal…
-
Mysterious Startup Receives $8M to Develop ‘Unusual Machines,’ Investors Express Delightful Ignorance
San Jose, CA – A little-known technology startup, Whiskerly Inc., announced this morning it had secured $8 million in Series A funding to pursue what company officials described only as “unusual machines.” Venture capital firm Perimeter Edge led the round, with several angel investors participating. In a statement, Perimeter Edge partner Alicia Gorse praised Whiskerly’s…
-
LightPath Receives $8M from Investor With Overzealous Confidence in “Unusual Machines” As New Global Currency
San Jose, CA – LightPath Technologies announced Tuesday that it has secured $8 million in Series B funding from investor Glen F. Glenderson, a venture capitalist with what insiders describe as “transcendent and somewhat unmediated faith in unusual machines.” The funding round, described in press materials as “vigorous,” will rapidly accelerate LightPath’s rollout of their…
-
Barcode Technology Update Accidentally Grants Grocery Store Tomatoes Right to Vote
Chicago, IL – In what is being hailed as both a technological advancement and a colossal oversight, an update to barcode technology has inadvertently granted voting rights to tomatoes in grocery stores across the nation. The software update, meant to optimize inventory tracking and customer convenience, was rolled out last week by Barcode Innovations LLC,…
-
British-American Pact Reached to Power New Era of Confusion with Nuclear-Powered Smartphones
London/New York – In a bold yet baffling new venture, a British-American pact has been reached to usher in an era of nuclear-powered smartphones, promising to revolutionize communication while introducing an unprecedented level of public perplexity. The agreement was signed amidst great fanfare by representatives of both countries, who appeared suitably enthusiastic if slightly out…
-
UK and US to Announce Historic Agreement Allowing Nuclear-Powered Tech CEOs to Run for Office
London, UK – In an unprecedented move hailed as a groundbreaking fusion of political governance and technological innovation, the United Kingdom and the United States have announced a groundbreaking transatlantic agreement allowing CEOs of nuclear-powered tech companies to run for public office. The historic accord, signed by Prime Minister Horace Bluetooth and President Jean-Paul Syntactico,…
-
Elon Musk Announces Plan to Launch SpaceX Cellular Network, Promises Spotty Coverage on Mars by 2025
Hawthorne, CA – In a move that industry experts are calling both groundbreaking and utterly befuddling, Elon Musk has announced a new initiative under the SpaceX banner to launch an interplanetary cellular network aimed at providing coverage on Mars. During a recent press conference at SpaceX headquarters, Musk detailed his ambitious plan to have “the…