Category: Science
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NFL Fans Demand DNA Test After Rams QB Throws Pass That Defies Newtonian Physics
LOS ANGELES—In an unprecedented uproar that has baffled physicists and sports analysts alike, NFL fans across the nation are demanding a DNA test for Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jared Wonderfield, following a pass on Sunday that visibly contradicted the laws of Newtonian physics. The play in question occurred during the third quarter against the Kansas…
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Ancient Whale Fossil Discovered Holding Tiny Sign Demanding Immediate Fossil Fuel Divestment
**Ancient Whale Fossil Discovered Holding Tiny Sign Demanding Immediate Fossil Fuel Divestment: Paleontologists Stunned** In a discovery that has sent shockwaves through both the scientific community and environmental activism circles alike, a team of paleontologists in the remote Badlands of South Dakota has unearthed an ancient whale fossil holding a minuscule sign boldly demanding immediate…
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Congressional Committee Accidentally Approves Bill Granting Land Rights to Genetically Modified Sea Cucumbers With Exploding Anuses
Capitol Hill was thrown into chaos Tuesday after the House Subcommittee on Agriculture, Aquaculture, and Explosive Posteriors inadvertently approved a sweeping bill that extends federal land rights to a recently engineered population of genetically modified sea cucumbers with – according to official language in the text – “regrettably volatile anuses.” The bill, officially titled The…
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Niger Discovers ‘Mars Rock’ Actually Shoddy Moon Replica After Unpaid Invoice Floats Into Atmosphere
NIAMEY, Niger — Celebrations over Niger’s recent scientific “discovery” of a Mars rock in the remote Aïr Mountains came to a screeching halt this week, after an unpaid invoice labeled “Fake Moon Rock—Express Delivery” was found floating thirty feet above the local meteorite lab, apparently attached to the “martian” specimen with discount tape. Just last…
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High School Athlete Exploits Little-Known Loophole In Physics To Win Race Without Touching Ground
MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image…
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Muskogee Politician Cleared of Blame After Fateful Board Meeting Decides Gravity Not in Their Jurisdiction
MUSKOGEE, OK — After weeks of intense scrutiny and public outcry, City Council member Randy Tuffin was fully exonerated Tuesday when the Muskogee Board of Fundamental Powers unanimously agreed that gravity is, in fact, outside the scope of municipal jurisdiction. The embattled councilman had come under fire last month after video surfaced of him spilled…
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SummerSlam 2025 Ends With Universal Agreement That Reality Is Optional, Wrestling Is Forever
In a historic culmination of athletic theatrics, pyrotechnic excess, and increasingly blurred lines between performance and perception, SummerSlam 2025 concluded Sunday with a standing ovation, a title change, and a rare spontaneous treaty among 68,000 attendees, 12 million pay-per-view viewers, and the wrestlers themselves in support of a simple premise: reality is, at best, negotiable,…
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Scotland Declares Independence from Entire Planet Earth in Bold Move to Avoid Being Dragged Into Galactic Congress
EDINBURGH—In a preemptive bid to stay out of the “tireless bureaucracy that is the Milky Way,” Scotland on Thursday unilaterally declared independence from the entire planet Earth, announcing it would pursue recognition as a free-floating, non‑terrestrial sovereign entity to avoid being “dragged into” the newly convened Galactic Congress. “Scotland will determine its own orbit,” the…
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Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives
WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…