Category: Safety
-
Seahawks Create New NFL Stat: Most Unnecessary References to Aaron Rodgers in a Single Game
Seattle, WA – In a ground-breaking move that has left statisticians and sports broadcasters reeling, the Seattle Seahawks have become the first team in NFL history to receive official credit for “Most Unnecessary References to Aaron Rodgers in a Single Game.” The new category, quietly implemented by NFL media officials after last Sunday’s divisional tilt,…
-
City Council Unveils New Subway Safety Program Where Women Are Issued Pet Chameleons For Invisibility Mode
Albany, NY – In a bold move to enhance subway safety, the Albany City Council announced on Tuesday a groundbreaking initiative to provide female commuters with pet chameleons, allowing them to activate “invisibility mode” while using public transportation. The program, touted as a revolutionary step forward in personal security, seeks to integrate natural camouflage with…
-
Father Who Warned of Ice Dangers Accidentally Drives Car Into Meth Awareness Billboard, Proves Point Spectacularly
Albany, NY – In what many residents are calling a cosmic display of irony, local father and self-proclaimed safety advocate Harold Montgomery inadvertently plowed his family minivan into a “Meth: It’s Not Worth the Risk” billboard while attempting to demonstrate the perils of icy roads. Witnesses report that the dramatic collision served as a public…
-
Politicians Launch New Self-Defense Classes After Realizing Their Security Detail Consists Mostly of Unarmed Optimists
In an unprecedented move to bolster personal safety, a bipartisan coalition of politicians has unanimously voted to implement a comprehensive self-defense training program, after the shocking realization that their once-vaunted security teams were essentially composed of hopeful dreamers armed only with earnest intentions and brightly colored lanyards. The new initiative, candidly named “Congressional Combat: Safety…