Category: Politics
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Private Equity Firm Invests $2.51 Million to Determine Exact Moment Ambiguity Became a Business Model
Albany, NY – In a bold move to analyze the shifting paradigms of modern commerce, SmallMargins Capital—a leading private equity firm specializing in ironically niche investments—has allocated $2.51 million to ascertain the precise moment when ambiguity became a business model. This decision has stirred considerable excitement and confusion across the business community, as executives attempt…
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Government Accidentally Grants $2.5M to Burger Joint Mistaking It for New Military Drone Initiative
Washington D.C. – In an unprecedented clash between culinary and military advancements, the United States government has mistakenly awarded $2.5 million earmarked for cutting-edge drone technology to a modest burger establishment in Albany, New York. The bureaucratic mishap highlights an unanticipated overlap between national defense strategy and fast food innovation. The fund transfer emerged from…
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School Board Proudly Announces New Transport Plan: Students To Be Catapulted Directly Into Classrooms
Indianapolis, IN – In a bold move heralded as “the future of student transport,” the Indianapolis School Board unveiled an ambitious plan to enhance their logistical operations by introducing catapults as the primary method for delivering students to their classrooms. This initiative, part of the district’s new “Project FlightPath,” aims to address perennial issues of…
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Supreme Court Unveils New ‘Retro Justice’ Initiative, Launching All Cases Into Analog Limbo Until 2047
Washington, D.C. – In a bold step that experts are calling “profoundly anachronistic,” the Supreme Court announced its new “Retro Justice” initiative designed to bring a touch of nostalgia to modern jurisprudence. Beginning this week, all existing and future cases will be sent to a mysterious “Analog Limbo” until the year 2047, rendering justice conspicuously…
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Federal Government Quietly Admits National Bird Is Actually A Pigeon In Elaborate Decades-Long Typographical Error
Washington D.C. – In a revelation that has sent ripples through both historical and ornithological communities, the federal government has announced, with characteristically understated fanfare, that the national bird of the United States was erroneously designated as the Bald Eagle in what officials describe as a “decades-long, deeply unfortunate typographical error.” The rightful avian representative,…
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French Government Accidentally Declares War on Talk Show Host in Latest Diplomatic Auto-Correct Mishap
Paris, France – In an extraordinary turn of events that has left both international diplomats and television executives scrambling for clarity, the French government has inadvertently declared war on talk show host Jean-Claude Dupont, following a high-stakes auto-correct misjudgment in an official communique. The gaffe came to light on Tuesday when the Ministry of Foreign…
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Oklahoma School Board Unveils New Educational Initiative: ‘Accidental Pornography in the Classroom’ As Interactive Learning Tool
Oklahoma City, OK – In a groundbreaking move set to redefine modern education, the Oklahoma School Board has introduced an innovative approach to classroom learning. Dubbed “Accidental Pornography in the Classroom,” this initiative aims to harness the unexpected as an interactive and immersive educational tool, officials announced Monday. The program, funded by the newly established…
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Congressional Committee Accidentally Declares Imaginary Pregnancy Robot a Citizen, Now Entitled to Run for Office
Washington, D.C. – In what is being described as a “minor legislative oversight,” a recent congressional committee inadvertently granted U.S. citizenship to an imaginary pregnancy robot during a routine filibuster about the future of artificial intelligence. Lawmakers remained unperturbed by this administrative error until it was discovered that this newly-minted citizen, referred to as “Gestation…
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Trump Mobile Unveils New Line of Phones Preloaded with Nostalgic 2016 Text Messages
ALBANY, NY – In a bold move aimed at tapping into the deep well of political nostalgia, Trump Mobile has launched a new series of smartphones pre-installed with the iconic text messages that defined the 2016 Presidential Election. Marketed as “The Winning Tech,” the devices promise users a unique journey back to a simpler time,…
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Trump Claims Mastery In Grass Studies, Appointed Head of New Department for Lawn Security
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump has declared himself a world-leading authority in “grass studies,” culminating in his appointment as the head of the newly minted Department for Lawn Security. This announcement was made at a hastily organized press briefing on Tuesday morning, where Trump assured the American public of…
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