Category: Politics
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Mayor Proposes Universal Free Pizza to Win Back ‘Most Diverse’ New York City Block
In a bold move to reclaim the title of “Most Diverse Block in New York City,” Mayor John Harkins has announced an ambitious initiative to provide universal free pizza to all residents of the contested block in Brooklyn. The proposal, which comes on the heels of a contentious political season, promises unlimited access to a…
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Two Candidates Vie for Control of Georgia’s Most Talked-About Conspiracy Lab
In a development that has left political analysts and conspiracy theorists alike reaching for their tinfoil hats, the race for control of Georgia’s most talked-about conspiracy lab is heating up. Clayton Fuller and Shawn Harris, both eager to claim the title of Chief Conspiracy Architect, have advanced to a runoff in Marjorie Taylor Greene’s district.…
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Congress Offers to Massage Kennedy’s Ego During Recovery
In a bold legislative move, Congress has proposed an unprecedented Ego Massage Protocol to aid Senator Kennedy in his recovery from impending rotator cuff surgery. The protocol, outlined in a 317-page document, includes mandatory compliments, strategically timed standing ovations, and a daily “Words of Affirmation” session conducted by a bipartisan committee. This initiative, spearheaded by…
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Politicians Pledge to Speed Up Slow Process of Making Decisions Slowly
In a groundbreaking move, lawmakers have vowed to expedite the notoriously sluggish process of decision-making, promising to complete their deliberations on the matter of accelerating decision timelines by the end of the decade. The decision to hasten the slow process of making decisions slowly was reached after a comprehensive five-year study concluded that decisions made…
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Royal Debate: Is Being Born Into Power Still the Best Job Application?
In a stunning twist of fate, the age-old practice of selecting leaders based on the randomness of genetic lottery is under scrutiny, as the House of Lords recently moved to phase out hereditary peers. The debate has taken a peculiar turn, with proponents of legacy leadership citing the “proven track record” of being born into…
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MPs Propose Revolutionary Plan: More Committees to Tackle Committee Overload
In a bold move to address the burgeoning issue of committee overload within the government, Members of Parliament have proposed the creation of additional committees specifically tasked with investigating the inefficiencies of existing committees. The proposal, which has been met with enthusiastic nods and strategic murmurs of approval in Westminster, suggests that the new committees…
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Senator Uncovers Secret Clause in Hospital Consent Forms: “May Also Grant Doctor Ownership of Your Firstborn
Washington, D.C. – In what congressional aides are calling “a routine document review,” Senator Marjorie Ballston (D-ME) claimed Wednesday to have identified a heretofore unnoticed clause buried within standardized hospital consent forms offering patients the option to grant their attending physician full custodial rights to any firstborn children. The clause, appearing only in fine italic…
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World Leaders Confidently Predict Enduring Peace Right After Latest Conflict Reaches Perfectly Balanced Chaos
Geneva – As diplomats from 78 nations concluded the latest round of peace talks, world leaders expressed unanimous and unwavering confidence that enduring global harmony is imminent now that the most recent international conflict has stabilized into what officials describe as “a perfectly balanced state of chaos.” President Sofia Mertz of the United Global Council…
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Government Announces New ‘Chill Mode’ Shutdown, Promises to Keep Nation in Suspended Animation for Undetermined Duration
Washington, D.C. – In an ambitious move to promote national calm and conserve resources, the U.S. government unveiled its inaugural “Chill Mode” shutdown on Tuesday. Senior administration officials said the measure will see the entire country placed in a state of technologically enhanced suspended animation for a length of time not yet determined. According to…
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Middle East Achieves Unified Agreement to Disagree as New Peace Deal Sets Record for Most Simultaneous Rejections
Geneva – Diplomats from across the Middle East have hailed a historic breakthrough this week as every major party signed onto a new peace framework known as the “Unified Agreement to Disagree.” The accord, brokered under the auspices of the United Nations’ Subcommittee on General Ambivalence, marks the first time in diplomatic history that a…
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