Category: Politics
-
World Health Organization Declares Subconscious a Public Health Threat After Surprising Spike in Compulsive Self-Sabotage
In an unprecedented move, the World Health Organization (WHO) has officially declared the subconscious mind a public health threat, citing a dramatic increase in cases of compulsive self-sabotage across the globe. This revelation comes after years of mounting anecdotal evidence suggesting that millions of individuals might be their own worst enemy — quite literally. Dr.…
-
New City Ordinance Requires All Ducks to Have a Driver’s License by 2025
In an unprecedented move to curtail what officials have dubbed a “fowl menace,” the city council announced on Monday that all ducks within city limits must obtain a driver’s license by 2025. The ordinance comes after a series of incidents involving erratic waddling and jay-flying, which have reportedly caused widespread panic among pedestrians and local…
-
Economy Baffled as New Cryptocurrency Pegs Value to Average Height of Cabinet Ministers
In a groundbreaking move that has left economists scratching their heads and investors scrambling for measuring tapes, a new cryptocurrency, VertiCoin, has emerged on the market with its value pegged to the average height of cabinet ministers. The currency’s launch was announced at an exclusive gala event where attendees were required to present their own…
-
Census Bureau Announces 12 New Demographic Categories Based Solely on Pasta Preferences
In a groundbreaking move that has left sociologists and chefs alike scratching their heads, the U.S. Census Bureau announced today the introduction of 12 new demographic categories based solely on pasta preferences. The decision comes after a decade-long study into the nation’s culinary proclivities, which revealed that Americans are far more divided by their choice…
-
AI Sentience Rejected by Supreme Court Due to Lack of Permanent Address
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court has definitively ruled against granting sentience to artificial intelligence, citing the primary reason as the entities’ inability to provide a permanent address. Despite compelling arguments presented by a coalition of legal experts, ethicists, and particularly eloquent chatbots, the justices maintained that without an address, AI lacks the fundamental…
-
Department of Motor Vehicles Installs Meditation Pods for Staff Experiencing Existential Crisis Over New Form 72B-Q9
In an unprecedented move to address the growing mental health concerns among its employees, the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) has installed meditation pods in offices nationwide. This initiative comes in response to what insiders are calling “an existential crisis of cosmic proportions” triggered by the introduction of the new Form 72B-Q9. The form, which…
-
Nation Relieved After CIA Confirms UFO Sightings Were Just Government Drones Spying on Citizens
In a development that has provided immense relief to the American public, the CIA has confirmed that recent UFO sightings were simply government drones conducting routine surveillance on citizens. This announcement puts to rest weeks of speculation and concern over extraterrestrial visitors, replacing it with the comforting reality of domestic espionage. “We are pleased to…
-
Breaking News: Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief as Futile Hope Officially Declared Renewable Resource
In a landmark move that has sent ripples through both the scientific community and the general public, the Department of Energy announced today that futile hope has been officially classified as a renewable resource. The decision comes after exhaustive studies verified that the supply of futile hope is not only limitless but also self-regenerating, often…
-
Nation Embraces Revolutionary ‘Quiet Quitting’ Trend, Now Just Calls It ‘Living’
In a groundbreaking shift that’s redefining the national ethos, the country has collectively decided to embrace “quiet quitting” not as a career trend, but as a fundamental lifestyle choice. No longer confined to corporate jargon, the movement has been rebranded as simply “living,” turning heads and sparking debates amongst life coaches, corporate consultants, and existential…
English 
Portuguese