Category: Politics
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In Stunning Move, Israel Deploys Passive-Aggressive Push Notifications in Iran’s Weekly Horoscope Forecasts
TEL AVIV—In a pioneering foray into psychological operations, Israeli intelligence this week began embedding pointed, vaguely judgmental push notifications within Iran’s most popular online horoscope forecasts, officials confirmed Friday. The campaign, dubbed Operation Stars and Stripes (but Not Yours), aims to subtly undermine Iranian morale and self-esteem by questioning everything from snack choices to the…
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Historic First: White House Fight Night to Feature Cage Match Between Policy Promises and Actual Legislation
In an unprecedented move aimed at increasing government transparency, the White House announced Tuesday that it will host its first-ever “Fight Night,” a nationally televised cage match pitting unfulfilled policy promises against the realities of actual legislation. The historic event is scheduled to take place next Friday in the East Room, which press secretary Carla…
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India Prepares Strategic Initiative to Build Dams Over Pakistan’s Sense of Humor
In an unprecedented move this week, Indian authorities have announced a comprehensive infrastructure project aimed at constructing a series of metaphorical dams over what remains of Pakistan’s sense of humor, citing “recurring floods of oversensitivity” as a regional threat to security and mutual understanding. “We can no longer ignore the torrents of outrage every time…
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U.S. Unveils New Foreign Policy Strategy: Roll of Dice Determines Sanctions for Oil Purchases
In a groundbreaking move set to redefine global diplomacy, the U.S. State Department this week unveiled its new “Dice of Destiny” foreign policy, in which the application of oil sanctions against foreign nations will now be determined entirely by rolling a pair of regulation Las Vegas casino dice. Addressing the press from a hastily assembled…
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Nation Resolves to Ask Chicago Politely to Crime Less, Deploys National Guard for Negotiation Assistance
In a groundbreaking shift in federal security policy, the United States has formally requested that Chicago, Illinois, please consider criming just a bit less this year, rolling in six battalions of the National Guard to help the city brainstorm gentler and less felonious hobbies. The announcement came at an unprecedented White House press conference Monday,…
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Former National Security Advisor Claims Nuclear Threats Just Elaborate Plot for Attention, Recommends Sending Flowers
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising reversal of decades-long foreign policy doctrine, former National Security Advisor Mallory Kent revealed Monday that nuclear threats issued by various world leaders are, according to her, “just elaborate ploys for attention,” and suggested that the international community could “de-escalate tensions by sending a nice bouquet, maybe some tulips or something seasonal.”…
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National Guard Briefly Activated to Supervise President’s Golf Game, Declares Victory Over Sand Trap Crisis
In an unprecedented display of resolve Saturday morning, the National Guard briefly deployed a full battalion to President Weldon’s favorite golf course to ensure the safe and dignified execution of his 27th “Executive Golf & Governance Summit.” By 10:23 a.m., following a tense standoff at the 14th-hole sand trap, victory was triumphantly declared over what…
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California Legislators Introduce Bill Mandating Emergency Exits In All Vortexes Of Disappointment
SACRAMENTO — In a bold move to address a rapidly growing public safety concern, California lawmakers introduced Senate Bill 4129 on Tuesday, requiring the installation of clearly marked emergency exits in all recognized local, municipal, and statewide vortexes of disappointment. The legislation, described as the first of its kind nationwide, targets areas where citizens are…
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