Category: Politics
-
Pakistan Army Chief Swears on Stack of Constitutions to Uphold Fiction of Civilian Government Stability
RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN – In a landmark ceremony held underneath the ornate chandelier of the Hall of Encloaked Legitimacy, Pakistan’s newly appointed Army Chief, General Markable Worthmantle, solemnly swore on a towering stack of pristine, albeit untouched, Pakistani constitutions to uphold the cherished fiction of a stable civilian government. The event was attended by a cross-section…
-
Pakistani Government Announces New Law Mandating Public Confusion Over Every Leadership Statement
ISLAMABAD — In a groundbreaking move described by critics as both baffling and redundant, the Pakistani government officially declared a new law requiring all citizens to experience mandatory confusion following every statement made by the country’s leaders. The “Consistent Cognitive Dissonance Act” was unanimously approved by the National Assembly late Tuesday evening. The law mandates…
-
Pakistani Army Denies Coup Rumors, Confirms Zardari Still Safely Confined to ‘President Simulation Chamber’
Islamabad—In a move to quell escalating rumors of a military coup, the Pakistani Army has assured the public that Asif Ali Zardari remains in perfectly good health within the protective confines of the “President Simulation Chamber.” The state-of-the-art facility, developed with cutting-edge technology but straight out of a vintage sci-fi novel, ensures Zardari experiences an…
-
Olympic Committee Announces New Event: Synchronized Doping, Citing Equality in Cheating
In a bold move to promote equality and inclusivity across global sporting events, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has officially announced the introduction of Synchronized Doping as a new Olympic sport. In response to years of growing controversy over doping scandals, the IOC hopes this innovative event will level the playing field by allowing teams…
-
Record Labels Unveil New Legal Strategy: Sue Artists for Breathing Wrong
In an unprecedented move that industry insiders are calling “next-level innovation” in contractual enforcement, record labels across the globe have announced plans to file lawsuits against their own artists for “improper respiration techniques” that allegedly violate standard recording agreements. The groundbreaking legal strategy was unveiled at the annual Association of Music Mongers conference held in…
-
Baptist News Global Accidentally Names Trump As New Testament Character, Sparks Theological Reboot
In a groundbreaking mix-up, Baptist News Global has accidentally thrust former President Donald Trump into the New Testament, sparking what scholars are dubbing a “theological reboot” across denominations. The blessed blunder has opened a wave of interpretative possibilities, leaving Christians around the world to ponder what a Trumpian Gospel would entail. The error occurred when…
-
University Hopes Renting Stadium Suites for Fantasy Football Drafts Distracts from Missing Library Roof
In a bid to provide an unparalleled experiential service for fantasy football enthusiasts—and possibly divert attention from a more pressing structural matter—Hartwell University has unveiled an innovative initiative allowing eager participants to rent lavish stadium suites to hold their draft picks. This comes as the university continues to deliberate on the absence of the library’s…
-
Unprecedented Harmony Achieved at PTA Meeting as Parents Adopt ‘Disarm First, Ask Questions Later’ Protocol
For the first time in district history, last night’s Briarwood Elementary School PTA meeting ended not in chaos, but in what witnesses are calling a “miracle of constructive dialogue”—a development many attribute to the controversial new “Disarm First, Ask Questions Later” protocol. Eyewitnesses described the unprecedented peace as “eerie.” “Usually, the instant someone mentions bake…
English 
Portuguese