Category: Philosophy
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Philosophy Department Introduces ‘Advanced Nihilism’ Course; Students Eagerly Await Graded Meaninglessness
New Haven, CT – Yale University’s Philosophy Department announced this week the launch of “Advanced Nihilism,” a 400-level seminar exploring the theoretical and practical applications of meaninglessness. The course, set to begin this fall, has already reached its enrollment cap, with students citing both an urgent desire for academic challenge and the comfort of well-structured…
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Professional Wrestler Announces New Record for Quietest Silence Broken After Grappling with Own Mortality
Greensboro, NC – In a subdued ceremony attended by several dozen fans, veteran professional wrestler Tommy “The Sledgehammer” Dugan quietly announced that he has broken the world record for Quietest Silence Broken, following what organizers described as a nearly undetectable moment of reflection during which he grappled with his own mortality. Witnesses confirm that the…
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Tampa Announces Month-Long Downtown Interchange Closure to Promote City-Wide Meditation on Impermanence
Tampa, FL – City officials have announced that all major downtown highway interchanges will be closed throughout the month of July as part of a new civic initiative to foster “collective reflection on the fleeting nature of modern infrastructure and existence.” The unusual closure, approved unanimously by the Tampa City Council, will divert an estimated…
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New Jujutsu Kaisen Villain Revealed as Existential Dread, Fans Excited for Relatable Antagonist
Tokyo, Japan – The production team of the widely acclaimed anime series Jujutsu Kaisen announced today the introduction of its latest villain: Existential Dread. According to executive producer Mairo Tetsuka, the new antagonist is expected to offer “a uniquely personal” conflict for the show’s protagonists, marking a shift from previous seasons’ focus on corporeal curses…
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As College Football’s Laws of Physics Collapse, Experts Ponder: Does Virginia Tech Even Exist in This Dimension?
Blacksburg, VA – The National Collegiate Athletic Association convened an emergency symposium this week after a series of viral plays prompted mounting concerns that the laws of physics no longer apply to NCAA football, especially in games involving the Virginia Tech Hokies. Amidst swirling rumors, physicists and metaphysicians alike have begun to question whether Virginia…
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Local Field Hockey Team Defeats Opponents and Existential Dread at Prestigious Tournament; Global Peace Talks Now Scheduled for Next Season
Portsmouth, NH – The Portsmouth Griffins women’s field hockey team notched a historic victory Saturday by prevailing over both their crosstown rival and, in a surprise twist, a brief outbreak of collective existential dread during the championship round of the 49th Annual New England Invitational. Tournament organizers lauded the Griffins’ tenacity in overcoming “formidable psychological…
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George Santos Unveils New Lawsuit Against Reality for Slandering His Fictional Universe
Albany, NY – Former Representative George Santos filed a sweeping lawsuit against “objective reality” on Thursday, citing alleged “deliberate misrepresentation and malicious slander” of the alternate universe in which he says he achieves most of his accomplishments. The 147-page brief, hand-delivered to the Albany County Court in a manila folder covered in glitter, names Reality…
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Chicago Bears Hire Existentialist Philosopher as Offensive Coordinator, Assert That All Yardage Is Meaningless
Chicago, IL – In a groundbreaking approach to addressing their less-than-stellar offensive performance, the Chicago Bears have appointed Jean-Luc Bouchard, a renowned existentialist philosopher, as their new Offensive Coordinator. In a move that raised eyebrows and skeptical cheers from even their most devoted fans, the Bears have adopted a tactical philosophy that insists yardage, and…
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Astronomers Discover New Supernova Capable Of Inducing Existential Crisis In Telescopes
ALBANY, NY – In an unprecedented astronomical breakthrough, scientists have identified a supernova with such unparalleled intensity that it has reportedly sparked existential crises among the telescopic devices tasked with observing it. Designated GSX-1198, the cosmic event has been described as “poignantly radiant” by leading experts, many of whom now worry about the philosophical ramifications…
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Odd Burger Raises $2.5M to Research Why Customers Keep Mistaking It for a Real Company
Fargo, ND – Odd Burger, the planet’s premier imaginary cuisine destination, has announced an ambitious new initiative after securing $2.5 million in venture capital funding. The funds will be dedicated to a groundbreaking study aimed at discovering why an alarming number of customers continue to mistake the metaphysical façade for a legitimate business. Spokesperson for…
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