Category: Military
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Pentagon Calls Emergency Summit to Address Alarming Surge in Generals Who Can’t Remember Why They’re Meeting
Washington, D.C. – Faced with a sharp increase in reports of senior military leaders entering conference rooms only to stare vacantly at each other, the Pentagon convened an emergency summit Wednesday to discuss what officials are calling “a sustained cognitive disengagement event” among top-ranking officers. Sources at the Department of Defense confirmed that, over the…
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NFL Introduces New Safety Protocol: Players to Wear Full Body Armor After Discovering Football Is a Contact Sport
New York, NY – In a sweeping safety overhaul, the National Football League announced Monday its decision to require all players to wear full body armor during competition, following what officials called a “landmark realization” that football may in fact involve physical contact. Commissioner Roger Goodell, flanked by members of the NFL Safety Task Force…
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Pentagon Unveils Revolutionary New Strategy: Cardboard Forts to Confuse Enemy Drones
In a groundbreaking advance in modern warfare, the Pentagon has announced a new strategic initiative aimed at confusing enemy drones: the construction of intricate cardboard forts. The initiative, dubbed “Operation Box Defense,” is set to revolutionize battlefield tactics by introducing thousands of strategically placed cardboard forts across key military zones. The decision comes after months…
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Pentagon Unveils Revolutionary Defense Strategy of Painting Enemy Lines Over New Headquarters Location
In an unprecedented move, the Pentagon has unveiled a groundbreaking defense strategy that involves painting enemy lines over the new headquarters location, effectively confusing any potential threats into believing they have already conquered the facility. This bold initiative comes as part of a broader effort to modernize military tactics by incorporating elements of abstract expressionism…
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Nation Relieved After CIA Confirms UFO Sightings Were Just Government Drones Spying on Citizens
In a development that has provided immense relief to the American public, the CIA has confirmed that recent UFO sightings were simply government drones conducting routine surveillance on citizens. This announcement puts to rest weeks of speculation and concern over extraterrestrial visitors, replacing it with the comforting reality of domestic espionage. “We are pleased to…
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