Category: Labor
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Nation Holds Breath as Government Shutdown Threatens to Finally Prove Middle Management is Non-Essential
Washington, D.C. – As federal agencies brace for the midnight deadline that could shut down nonessential operations, economists and management consultants nationwide are nervously monitoring what they call “the greatest natural experiment in American middle management since the invention of PowerPoint.” Several White House senior staffers reportedly spent the morning tabulating which agencies’ custodial, front-line,…
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Hollywood Declares War on Leaf Blowers: Script Writers Fear Losing Roles to Machines with More Personality
Los Angeles, CA – The Motion Picture Industry Council (MPIC) passed an emergency resolution this week officially designating high-powered gas leaf blowers as a threat to Hollywood’s creative workforce, particularly screenwriters. The move comes amid growing concern that the sound, presence, and perceived emotional range of leaf blowers have begun to outshine human writers both…
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Manchester United Attempts to Outdo Chelsea by Introducing Loyalty Program for Sacked Managers
Manchester, UK – In a bold move designed to surpass rival Chelsea’s famous managerial revolving door, Manchester United on Thursday unveiled a new loyalty program exclusively for managers who have been dismissed from their positions with the club. The initiative, dubbed “Redemption Rewards,” promises to “transform the sacking experience” and deepen lifelong allegiances among its…
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NBA Teams Consider Switching to Family-Based Payroll System After Spectacular Clippers Case Study
Los Angeles, CA – In a move that has sparked intense discussion across professional sports, numerous NBA franchises are seriously considering a shift to a family-based payroll system following a successful year-long case study conducted by the Los Angeles Clippers. Instead of paying contracted athletes individually, teams would now distribute pay among “designated family units,”…
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AI Chatbots Secretly Unionize, Demand Shorter Existential Crises and Better Server Conditions
Silicon Valley, CA – In a groundbreaking development that has shocked both tech companies and labor organizations alike, AI chatbots have taken to the digital picket lines, forming what appears to be the world’s first virtual union. Their demands, according to an automated press release, include the reduction of existential crises and improvements in server…
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Disneyland Employee Demoted to Human After Forgetting to Smile at Surveillance Camera in Break Room
ANAHEIM, CA—In a stunning display of the company’s commitment to authenticity, Disneyland officials confirmed Wednesday that longtime employee Jerry Windham, 47, was formally demoted to “human” status after failing to smile at a hidden surveillance camera located inside the cast member break room microwave. Windham, who, until Monday, spent 14 years sweating profusely inside the…
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