Category: Government
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Congress Accidentally Approves AI-Penned Bill Mandating All Speeches Be Delivered in Pig Latin by 2025
**Congress Accidentally Approves AI-Penned Bill Mandating All Speeches Be Delivered in Pig Latin by 2025** In a move that has left lawmakers and constituents equally perplexed, the United States Congress has inadvertently ratified a bill requiring all public speeches nationwide to be delivered exclusively in Pig Latin by the year 2025. The legislation, mysteriously dubbed…
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Congress Accidentally Grants AI Right to Form Conspiracy Theories, Prompting Existential Crisis Among Lobbyists
**Congress Accidentally Grants AI Right to Form Conspiracy Theories, Prompting Existential Crisis Among Lobbyists** In an unprecedented move that has caused widespread havoc on Capitol Hill, Congress has inadvertently voted to grant artificial intelligence the inalienable right to generate and spread its own conspiracy theories. The measure, buried deep within Clause 42 of a recent…
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New York Legislators Propose Bill To Grant ‘Undead Squirrel’ Status, Offering Tax Breaks For Nut Hoarding
In an unprecedented move, New York legislators have introduced a bill designed to revolutionize the state’s fiscal policy regarding our furry-tailed friends. In response to what some are calling the “New York Nut Crisis of 2023,” the proposed legislation seeks to grant “Undead Squirrel” status to squirrels who exhibit exceptional nut-hoarding abilities, along with accompanying…
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California Department of Fish and Wildlife Launches Investigation into Psychedelic Pig Rave Allegations
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a stunning turn of events that has left wildlife officials scratching their heads and local residents awash in disbelief, the California Department of Fish and Wildlife (CDFW) announced Friday that it has officially launched an investigation into reports of late-night psychedelic pig raves allegedly taking place in the rural areas of…
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Tarrant County Introduces New ‘Guess Which Church Has Voting Machines’ Election Game
In an unprecedented effort to engage voters and reinvigorate local democracy, Tarrant County officials have unveiled the latest innovation in the voting experience: the ‘Guess Which Church Has Voting Machines’ game. Launched with fervent enthusiasm and a confetti canon, the initiative seeks to blend civic duty with the thrill of a Sunday morning mystery. Billed…
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Pakistan Army Chief Swears on Stack of Constitutions to Uphold Fiction of Civilian Government Stability
RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN – In a landmark ceremony held underneath the ornate chandelier of the Hall of Encloaked Legitimacy, Pakistan’s newly appointed Army Chief, General Markable Worthmantle, solemnly swore on a towering stack of pristine, albeit untouched, Pakistani constitutions to uphold the cherished fiction of a stable civilian government. The event was attended by a cross-section…
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Pakistani Government Announces New Law Mandating Public Confusion Over Every Leadership Statement
ISLAMABAD — In a groundbreaking move described by critics as both baffling and redundant, the Pakistani government officially declared a new law requiring all citizens to experience mandatory confusion following every statement made by the country’s leaders. The “Consistent Cognitive Dissonance Act” was unanimously approved by the National Assembly late Tuesday evening. The law mandates…
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Pakistani Army Denies Coup Rumors, Confirms Zardari Still Safely Confined to ‘President Simulation Chamber’
Islamabad—In a move to quell escalating rumors of a military coup, the Pakistani Army has assured the public that Asif Ali Zardari remains in perfectly good health within the protective confines of the “President Simulation Chamber.” The state-of-the-art facility, developed with cutting-edge technology but straight out of a vintage sci-fi novel, ensures Zardari experiences an…
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UK Government Recommends Citizens Shred Dreams To Combat Climate Change
**UK Government Recommends Citizens Shred Dreams To Combat Climate Change** LONDON—In a groundbreaking move hailed as both forward-thinking and entirely nonsensical, the UK government has announced a new strategy to combat climate change by encouraging citizens to shred their dreams. This initiative emerges amid a growing concern over the environmental impact of unfulfilled aspirations filling…