Category: Government
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Petrified Forest National Park Announces New Interactive Exhibit: ‘Experience Your Own Slow Descent Into Stone’
Holbrook, AZ – In a move that promises to expand both visitor engagement and existential dread, Petrified Forest National Park has unveiled its ground-breaking exhibit, “Experience Your Own Slow Descent Into Stone.” Park representatives say the initiative is part of a broader effort to bridge the increasingly narrow gap between humankind and our geological counterparts.…
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Federal Reserve Chair Debuts Revolutionary Economic Policy: Schrödinger’s Interest Rate
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move that experts are hailing as both visionary and quantum, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Huckabee unveiled a groundbreaking economic strategy known as Schrödinger’s Interest Rate at a press conference earlier today. The new policy promises to transform the nation’s fiscal landscape by maintaining interest rates in a state of…
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New Trade Policy Guarantees Economic Growth Through The Power of Confusion And Late-Night Lobbyist Karaoke
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark economic decision aimed at revitalizing trade and invigorating the national economy, the Department of Commerce has unveiled a groundbreaking trade policy that utilizes the strategic combination of bewilderment and late-night lobbyist karaoke as mechanisms for growth. This new policy is being heralded as a revolutionary approach to international commerce…
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Ford’s New ‘Dig Mode’ Accidentally Uncovers Government’s Secret Backup Gold Reserves
Detroit, MI – Ford Motor Company’s latest feature, ‘Dig Mode,’ intended as an enhancement for their best-selling pickups, has inadvertently unearthed what appears to be a secret government stash of gold reserves buried just beneath America’s most unassuming suburban neighborhoods. The rollout of Dig Mode, an innovation touted to revolutionize backyard gardening and residential excavation,…
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Trump Claims Mastery In Grass Studies, Appointed Head of New Department for Lawn Security
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump has declared himself a world-leading authority in “grass studies,” culminating in his appointment as the head of the newly minted Department for Lawn Security. This announcement was made at a hastily organized press briefing on Tuesday morning, where Trump assured the American public of…
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FBI Launches Investigation After President Mistakes Red-Light District For Solar Energy Boom
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move this week, the FBI has embarked on a full-scale investigation after President Matthew Pictureframe mistakenly identified a bustling red-light district as a burgeoning hub of solar energy. The blunder, officials say, stems from a recent visit to the town of Amberglow, a small economic enclave once celebrated for…
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National Police Union Endorses New ‘Mandatory Flexing’ Program to Boost Morale and Muscle Definition
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark decision influenced by what insiders are calling “a need to keep things tight,” the National Police Union has endorsed a groundbreaking initiative aiming to redefine law enforcement standards nationwide. Aptly named the ‘Mandatory Flexing’ program, this novel approach is intended to enhance both morale and physical appearance, offering a…
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Obscure Auto Brand Introduces Steering Wheel That Dispenses Apologies, Sparks Epidemic of Drivers Sobbing in Traffic
Salt Lake City, UT – In a groundbreaking move aimed at addressing the emotional welfare of motorists, obscure automobile manufacturer Tangent Motors has unveiled its latest innovation: a steering wheel equipped with an automatic apology dispenser. This unprecedented feature has reportedly led to a dramatic increase in emotional breakdowns among drivers across the nation. The…
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New Ford Model Unveils ‘Dig Mode,’ Prompting Congress to Draft Emergency Legislation on Accidental Moles
DETROIT, MI – In a surprise move that could revolutionize backyard landscaping forever, Ford Motor Company has officially unveiled its latest vehicle feature: the long-rumored ‘Dig Mode’. Automakers hailed the innovation as a breakthrough, while lawmakers raced to control the sudden proliferation of underground tunnels crisscrossing beneath residential neighborhoods. The ‘Dig Mode’, available exclusively on…
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NASA’s Mars Rover Stumbles Upon Helmet-Shaped Rock, Files OSHA Complaint Over Mandatory Space Hazards
Pasadena, CA – In a development that promises to revolutionize the field of interplanetary exploration and occupational safety on Mars, NASA’s Perseverance Rover has filed an official complaint with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA). The complaint was submitted following the discovery of a rock on Mars that strongly resembles a regulation safety helmet.…