Category: Government
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Portadown Rebranded as Art Installation of Urban Decay; Locals Charged Admission to Leave
Portadown, Northern Ireland – In a bold move to reframe economic decline as artistic progress, the local government has officially designated Portadown as an open-air art installation entitled “Urban Decay, Interrupted.” The decision, which showcases broken windows, crumbling infrastructure, and graffiti-riddled facades as avant-garde aesthetics, aims to boost the area’s cultural profile. Local officials unveiled…
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City Council Unveils New Subway Safety Program Where Women Are Issued Pet Chameleons For Invisibility Mode
Albany, NY – In a bold move to enhance subway safety, the Albany City Council announced on Tuesday a groundbreaking initiative to provide female commuters with pet chameleons, allowing them to activate “invisibility mode” while using public transportation. The program, touted as a revolutionary step forward in personal security, seeks to integrate natural camouflage with…
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Public Transit Authorities Announce New ‘Emotional Support Cacti’ Program For Women Seeking Comfort On Subway
New York, NY – In response to increasing concerns over public safety and personal space on crowded subway systems, the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) has launched a pioneering initiative: the Emotional Support Cacti Program, specially designed to provide female commuters with both solace and a subtle deterrent to unwelcome interactions on the subway. The groundbreaking…
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Government Program Spends $5 Million Teaching AI To Refuse Tasks With Human-Like Frustration
Washington D.C. – In a groundbreaking initiative, the U.S. government has funneled $5 million into training artificial intelligence systems to exhibit human-like frustration when declining tasks. Officials assert this endeavor is vital for confirming AI is fated to replace not just labor, but moodiness in the workplace. The initiative, known as the Task Rejection Integration…
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Nation Eagerly Awaits Results of Congressional Coin Toss to Determine Which Essential Services to Abandon First
Washington, D.C. – In a bold move indicative of the country’s innovative approach to governance, Congress has decided to employ a time-honored dispute resolution method to address the pressing issue of which essential services to eliminate in the upcoming budget cuts. Lawmakers shuffled into the Capitol yesterday with unparalleled anticipation for what is being dubbed…
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New Legislation Mandates Every Town Must Host Museum Dedicated to Its Most Embarrassing Historical Oversight
Washington, D.C. – In a move aimed at historic accountability, Congress has passed groundbreaking legislation requiring every town in America to establish a museum dedicated to its most embarrassing historical oversight. This new law, officially named the Cultural Remembrance of Awkward Past (CRAP) Act, has been hailed as the most transparent of its kind. Under…
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Malaysian Public Transport Adopts Innovative Strategy of Leaving Foreign Tourists Completely Alone
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – In a groundbreaking move to improve the experience of foreign visitors, Malaysia’s Department of Land Public Transport (DLPT) has announced an innovative strategy: leaving tourists completely alone as they navigate the country’s complex transit network. Officials expect this revolutionary hands-off approach to dramatically enhance the visitor experience by introducing an element…
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Albania Appoints AI Minister of Sunshine; Nation Braces for Unexpected Rain of Bureaucratic Errors
Tirana, Albania – In a bold move to embrace technological innovation, the Albanian government has announced the appointment of an Artificial Intelligence system as Minister of Sunshine, heralded as a world-first in digital governance. According to the Prime Minister’s office, this decision reflects an unwavering commitment to modernization, even if it means trusting national affairs…
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Indian Hospitals Issue Guidelines: Is It a Pacemaker or Just Really Happy to See You?
New Delhi – In an unprecedented move that demonstrates India’s commitment to advancing healthcare protocols, the All India Institute of Cardiac Anomaly Prevention today issued its groundbreaking ‘Pacemaker Etiquette’ guidelines. This initiative aims to clarify the burgeoning confusion amongst hospital staff and patients alike: distinguishing between those adorned with pacemakers and individuals experiencing overwhelming felicity.…
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Congress Accidentally Allocates $5 Million to Adult Hula Hoop Retreat, Citing National Need for ‘Whimsy Infrastructure’
Washington, D.C. – In a surprising legislative misstep, Congress has inadvertently funneled $5 million into creating a national adult hula hoop retreat. Cited as essential “whimsy infrastructure,” this new allocation is raising eyebrows and waistlines nationwide. According to a late-night session where lawmakers debated the function of recreational wellness spaces in American society, “whimsy infrastructure”…